should she preserve loveless marriage?

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES
Published December 2, 2001

Dear Joe,

Simply call me Mary. I work as an executive in an auditing firm where I met Abner. Actually, he was a brother of an officemate and close friend.

At first I found Abner very boring but he was so caring and that made me admire him. He phoned me several times before we finally met for dinner. Our first date was followed by another, and another, until we became inseparable. We were in love, deeply in love so we decided to have an unplanned wedding. I was three months on the family way then.

Abner was a loving husband and a caring partner at first. It was not until I gave birth that I noticed a drastic change in him. He was so jealous most of the time and was suspicious of every man he saw me with, even though he knows he’s the first and only man in my life.

One day he asked me why I had an affair with another man. I was shocked, hurt and devastated considering that I just gave birth and was slowly recovering from postnatal depression. I just couldn’t understand why he would make such an accusation.

Arguments followed after that and no matter how hard I explained and assured him that it was not true (although there was nothing to explain because even his family knows I couldn’t possibly do it being his sister’s friend for seven years) he just wouldn’t listen. The only way for us to settle the matter was for me to agree that his accusations were true. God knows I wouldn’t compromise the truth so I naturally did not accept the condition.

What was worse was he convinced me to sign an annulment paper because he believed I really had an affair with another man.

I was shocked to learn he had a history of personality disorder, which his family never told me. I told them I wanted to help Abner, but it’s difficult because I was the object of his hatred. I asked my husband to see a doctor, and he obliged. But his first visit to a psychiatrist was also his last. He couldn’t accept the fact that there was something wrong with him.

Recently I learned from a friend that Abner was regularly consulting a seer, asking if it was all right to get into another relationship. It made me think that this was just a scheme for him to finally get rid of me and evade his responsibility to our child.

I did all my best to save our marriage. I gave him enough time to change his mind and tried to win him back, but he’s remained convinced of his allegations.

Considering the hurt, not to mention the injustice, done to me, I thought it was best that I considered annulment to give him the freedom he wanted though I was still confused. Am I making the right decision or, as his wife, should I give him another chance even if he has been telling me he doesn’t love me anymore? Please help me. Thank you and God bless.

MARY

I know you are in a very difficult situation, torn between trying to keep your marriage vow and leaving your husband who apparently wants you and your child out of his life.

I have always believed in preserving marriages; in trying our best to compromise, sacrifice and take chances even if the odds seem to be against us. But there are times when our efforts become futile because our partners don’t share our dreams. They start building their own dreams without us in the picture. How can we possibly find harmony in a relationship without the cooperation of the other person involved?

You have done your best to save this marriage. There are legal issues in an annulment. Your lawyer should make these impediments clear, if this is where you are headed. You were accused of infidelity but you know there was no one else in your life. All you wanted was to keep your marriage and leave your child with a legacy of a family. But a family is a team. If your husband doesn’t want to be a part of it, then you will not be able to overcome the obstacles that will come your way. The ground for an annulment should not be the admission of something you did not do. It should be your husband’s incapacity to keep a decent marriage.

You and your child deserve to be happy. Even your husband deserves to find his own happiness. You may not be able to find happiness together, but you will find it. What we do today affects the events of tomorrow. Let us make the most out of what we have now so we can always look back at yesterday without regret and see tomorrow with a vision of hope and happiness.

.

.