should i try to win her back or just let go?

Joe D Mango's LOVE NOTES

Dear Joe,

Just call me Dante. I’m 23 and a computer programmer at a government office. Trish and I have been together for over three years. Our first year was challenging because I was so demanding and possessive. But we survived that and I was able to change my attitude. The following year, the tables were turned and she became immature and selfish. It didn’t bother me and it actually made me stronger. She was there during all the significant events in my life. We became so intimate, all that remained for us was to get married. Even our families were so happy for us and considered us a perfect couple.

But last year, things really became difficult. We began to argue over even the littlest things, to the point that we were digging up past transgressions. We were hurting each other not only through words but also physically. I made myself busy just to forget the pain but that made Trish more difficult.

I finally decided that we needed space to think things over. She didn’t give up on me and said that we didn’t need time apart from each other. But then I made a stupid mistake. I used an imaginary girlfriend to make her agree to my initial suggestion. At the same time, I assured Trish that I still love her, that I would go back to her someday.

We had no communication for two months, and then she told me that she already had a new boyfriend who saved her from her depression. It exploded in my face like a bomb, Joe. I discovered that she was the source of my happiness. Up to now, I keep trying to convince her to come back to me, telling her that I will wait for her forever. Please tell me what I should do. Should I continue to try and win her back or just let go?

Sincerely,
Dante

Dear Dante,

It is true that we only realize how important a person is when she’s gone. There are many moments in a relationship when we are driven to compete with our partners. Family, work and friends usually become the center of sensitive jealousy issues. We start to argue about how much time is spent on our relationships. We begin to selfishly demand the time that we sometimes have so little of.

Physical presence is very important in a relationship but in this very demanding and challenging world, it pays to be understanding and flexible with our demands. Dante, you can spend the whole day with someone but be emotionally away from her, in the same way that you can spend just a few minutes with that person and yet make her feel so loved and important. The truth is, it is not really a question of how much time we spend with the people we love but the quality of time that we spend with them.

When we are challenged in our relationship, we are always tempted to run away just to prove our point, satisfy our ego and hurt the people who love us. You’ve hurt Trish enough for her to consider seeking shelter in someone else’s arms. Competition and jealousy are poisons that kill a relationship, and sometimes we find out how devastating they are only when it is too late.

If she truly doesn’t love you anymore then maybe it wouldn’t do you much good to push yourself too hard. You would probably be just annoying her and make her hate you more. Dante, just remember that no matter how sincere our intentions are, it is how we show them that make people react. It is only when we try to be transparent in our relationships that people learn to understand why we act the way we do and begin to accept us for just being ourselves.

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