Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES
Published August 26
Dear Joe,
Just call me Adrianne, a proud mother but an unhappy wife. I’ve found myself gradually falling out of love with my husband.
I don’t have a new man in my life nor am I planning to have one. But I want to leave my husband and lead my own life. I am tired of arguments and petty quarrels.
I know I can live without him but not without my kids.
Friends say I am lucky to have him for a husband. I can’t deny the fact that he has a lot of good qualities – he’s responsible, a handy man, he get’s along with people easily, he’s great with the kids. But he is ill-tempered. I can’t deny the fact that I am also at fault, for I am a stubborn Taurean. I’ve tried to change, but he hasn’t. So we always clash.
I want to end this marriage, but how? How do I walk out of our relationship with my kids? How can I talk him into it?
ADRIANNE
Getting attracted to someone and getting a chance to know him more is very exciting. Getting into a relationship with that person and sharing mutual feelings of affection is even more rewarding. When we feel that we love someone so much, we prepare ourselves in making that relationship complete by walking down the aisle with that person in marriage. This is where we make ourselves believe that we will just live happily ever after. But the truth of the matter is, spending the rest of your life living with your spouse is a totally different story. This is the part of the marriage where the vows we’ve made to love each other for richer or for poorer, in sickness and health till death do us part are put to their final test.
Falling in love is easy, getting married isn’t that hard either. But keeping that love alive and making it grow every day are only easier said than done. Many marriages lose their romance after only a few years. What used to be such an ideal relationship suddenly becomes stressed out by factors beyond our control. In-laws, children, emotional and physical problems, career, competition, pride and finances are just some of the things that we have to keep in balance in our marriage. And staying up on our feet to do these takes a lot of patience, perseverance and unselfish effort.
There are times when couples would fight over the pettiest of things. During these exchanges of verbal punches, our suppressed feelings of anger and feelings of being misunderstood, taken for granted and being blamed for everything can make us utterly bitter and in one short instance, lose our love for our spouse. This is the point where we want to give up and leave. The point where we can adamantly say, “I’ve had enough. I can’t take this anymore, I’m leaving.”
There will be a trade-ff when you decide to move on. You know that you just cannot walk out with your kids and neither can you leave them alone. And even if you find a way to move out, I think your husband wouldn’t jut let you go without making you feel guilty. He would put all the blame on you again and tell your children that your family was shattered because their mom left them.
You would lose both ways, if you stay, you’d be miserable. But, if you go, I think you could eventually become miserable as well. This is the best time to make things that make you feel bad work to your advantage.
First, you have to realize that you are lucky because you are aware that there is a problem in your marriage. To your husband, those fights could just be his natural way of asserting his dominance over you. He probably isn’t aware that you are just about to explode and call it quits. Secondly, this should make you realize that you have practically spent all your married years together, but, have you really spend time communicating with each other, openly sharing your thoughts and feelings without getting into a heated discussion? Thirdly, God has blessed you with beautiful children that have made you more than a proud mother. If you leave, you would be a proud wife but you would end up a regretful mother. Ask yourself, is this what you really want? Don’t you want to take your marriage on a neutral plane, seek good counsel and open the possibility of honest reconciliation?
I have been in worst fights in my marriage. My wife and I acknowledge the fact every couple goes into battle once in a while. But after an exchange of bitterness, disappointments and hatred, we stop in silence and tears and look around. For somewhere in the battlefield, God will always open a window for grief to breathe out and a fresh air of hope to breeze in. I honestly believe that no marriage is so miserable that it cannot find happiness, there is no husband so unfaithful that he cannot change. There is no wife so nagging that she cannot tone down. There is no relationship so sick that it cannot recover and get well.
I hope that you will find a space in your heart to give your family another chance. You would have to give up a lot but the rewards of your sacrifices would give you joy beyond compare.
There are many of us who could be in the same battlefield. Many of us who could feel what Adrianne feels. There are many of us who want to give up. But, when we are just about to raise our hands let us surrender not to the people around us but to God who is in control. He is the only one who can breathe life to a dying relationship. He is the only one who can bring peace to a stormy marriage. He is the only one who gives us a new beginning, a new hope and a new life.
Dear Joe,
Just call me Adrianne, a proud mother but an unhappy wife. I’ve found myself gradually falling out of love with my husband.
I don’t have a new man in my life nor am I planning to have one. But I want to leave my husband and lead my own life. I am tired of arguments and petty quarrels.
I know I can live without him but not without my kids.
Friends say I am lucky to have him for a husband. I can’t deny the fact that he has a lot of good qualities – he’s responsible, a handy man, he get’s along with people easily, he’s great with the kids. But he is ill-tempered. I can’t deny the fact that I am also at fault, for I am a stubborn Taurean. I’ve tried to change, but he hasn’t. So we always clash.
I want to end this marriage, but how? How do I walk out of our relationship with my kids? How can I talk him into it?
ADRIANNE
Getting attracted to someone and getting a chance to know him more is very exciting. Getting into a relationship with that person and sharing mutual feelings of affection is even more rewarding. When we feel that we love someone so much, we prepare ourselves in making that relationship complete by walking down the aisle with that person in marriage. This is where we make ourselves believe that we will just live happily ever after. But the truth of the matter is, spending the rest of your life living with your spouse is a totally different story. This is the part of the marriage where the vows we’ve made to love each other for richer or for poorer, in sickness and health till death do us part are put to their final test.
Falling in love is easy, getting married isn’t that hard either. But keeping that love alive and making it grow every day are only easier said than done. Many marriages lose their romance after only a few years. What used to be such an ideal relationship suddenly becomes stressed out by factors beyond our control. In-laws, children, emotional and physical problems, career, competition, pride and finances are just some of the things that we have to keep in balance in our marriage. And staying up on our feet to do these takes a lot of patience, perseverance and unselfish effort.
There are times when couples would fight over the pettiest of things. During these exchanges of verbal punches, our suppressed feelings of anger and feelings of being misunderstood, taken for granted and being blamed for everything can make us utterly bitter and in one short instance, lose our love for our spouse. This is the point where we want to give up and leave. The point where we can adamantly say, “I’ve had enough. I can’t take this anymore, I’m leaving.”
There will be a trade-ff when you decide to move on. You know that you just cannot walk out with your kids and neither can you leave them alone. And even if you find a way to move out, I think your husband wouldn’t jut let you go without making you feel guilty. He would put all the blame on you again and tell your children that your family was shattered because their mom left them.
You would lose both ways, if you stay, you’d be miserable. But, if you go, I think you could eventually become miserable as well. This is the best time to make things that make you feel bad work to your advantage.
First, you have to realize that you are lucky because you are aware that there is a problem in your marriage. To your husband, those fights could just be his natural way of asserting his dominance over you. He probably isn’t aware that you are just about to explode and call it quits. Secondly, this should make you realize that you have practically spent all your married years together, but, have you really spend time communicating with each other, openly sharing your thoughts and feelings without getting into a heated discussion? Thirdly, God has blessed you with beautiful children that have made you more than a proud mother. If you leave, you would be a proud wife but you would end up a regretful mother. Ask yourself, is this what you really want? Don’t you want to take your marriage on a neutral plane, seek good counsel and open the possibility of honest reconciliation?
I have been in worst fights in my marriage. My wife and I acknowledge the fact every couple goes into battle once in a while. But after an exchange of bitterness, disappointments and hatred, we stop in silence and tears and look around. For somewhere in the battlefield, God will always open a window for grief to breathe out and a fresh air of hope to breeze in. I honestly believe that no marriage is so miserable that it cannot find happiness, there is no husband so unfaithful that he cannot change. There is no wife so nagging that she cannot tone down. There is no relationship so sick that it cannot recover and get well.
I hope that you will find a space in your heart to give your family another chance. You would have to give up a lot but the rewards of your sacrifices would give you joy beyond compare.
There are many of us who could be in the same battlefield. Many of us who could feel what Adrianne feels. There are many of us who want to give up. But, when we are just about to raise our hands let us surrender not to the people around us but to God who is in control. He is the only one who can breathe life to a dying relationship. He is the only one who can bring peace to a stormy marriage. He is the only one who gives us a new beginning, a new hope and a new life.
.
.
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