dreams built on shaky ground

JOE D MANGO’s LoveNotes
Published February 23, 2003


It’s been five months since we said our goodbyes. I tried to live my own life, but it’s empty without him. What should I do, Joe? I really want him back…

Dear Joe,

I am a 21-year-old Mass Communications senior at a Quezon City university. I am graduating soon and have almost everything planned. There’s just one thing, a most important thing, I can’t seem to get hold of.

Alli and I used to have what may be considered a perfect relationship. I adored him and he loved me. Most importantly, Alli and I were growing together.

We had an unwritten contract of sorts that we were getting married after his graduation this March. In preparation, we had been visiting furniture shops, scouting for the most economical, but aesthetically viable, designs of sofas, dinner tables and even tableware.

We were negotiating the theme of our future home. He would build a darkroom just for me so that I could continue with my hobby, photography. I was to stop working so I could take care of the kids, and start taking baking and cooking lessons.

I wanted to have five kids but he only wanted to have two, so we compromised and settled on three. One will be the artist-slash-drummer who would take up fine arts in college, another the missionary and the last will be the pilot. Everything seemed to have been a quilt of dreams neatly and flawlessly sewn on the edges.

But it wasn’t perfect. Alli and I had been through a lot of challenging times too. We had unsettled differences, problems with past relationships and petty fights. But we’d overcome it all.

We even thought we were going to have a baby, although the pregnancy turned out to be a false alarm. It was a living hell I thought we would never get out of. I had to undergo an operation and was sent to stay in the province for over a month. Although we constantly talked on the phone, he did not visit me, not even once. He continued to live his comfortable life, while I was dying of loneliness, misery and shame.

Not once did I hear that he wanted to talk to my dad. He said we had to wait for the right time because, as of now, he did not have anything to be proud about yet. Despite the hurtful and insulting words I received from my family and the constant urgings to leave him, I continued to stay with him.

I gave up my plans of going abroad to pursue a graduate course. Going there means leaving my beloved Alli behind. And I did not want that. I totally ignored internship offers from Baguio because I knew that the distance would be tough for our recuperating relationship.

But then, something happened, something I cannot clearly comprehend until now. One day, he just said he was letting me go. He said he dated some girl from my old school, some young single mom. He was likewise seeing other “friends” on the side.

It was very painful. But more than the agony, it was the melancholia that comes with it that is more excruciating.

At first, I even forced him to stay with me, believing that it was just a phase. In the end, I had to give up because he wasn’t fighting for me. I can’t stand the torment of knowing that he’s seeing someone else, that he cannot commit himself to me the way he did, when he asked me to be his wife.

Joe, it’s been five months since we said our goodbyes. I tried to live my own life, but it’s empty without him. I love him so much that not even the most ardent suitors can erase him from my heart. What should I do, Joe? I really want him back.

Jenny

Dear Jenny,

I remember a story about a young girl who was so happy because someone gave her a red balloon. It was all she ever wanted. She wouldn’t exchange it for anything in this world. But the balloon wasn’t tied well to her wrists and slipped off her hand. She was helplessly crying as she watched it drift away until it was too small to see. Her mom bought another balloon but she still cried for the one that she lost. She didn’t eat and was miserable the whole day. She really believed that soon it would fall back to the ground and she’ll get it again.

Most if us, like the little girl, still hold on to things that aren’t with us anymore. We try to forget them but deep inside, we tell ourselves that they are irreplaceable. That one day, we can have them again. So we end up silently hoping even if we know we cannot get them back.

It is always wonderful to build dreams of forever with someone. These dreams inspire people to strive and become better persons. But not all dreams are built on solid ground. There are some that crumble when shake and subjected to pressure, like the ones that you shared with Alli. Obviously, he was only interested in dreaming.

Jenny, there is nothing wrong in loving a person but when we begin to lose grip of our own lives because of love then we are going to do ourselves more harm than good. Most of the time it is what we do not need that we want. Striking a balance between the two is difficult because we are usually driven by desire and not by necessity. We act on what we feel and not on what we know.

Let us always remember that losing someone doesn’t have to mean losing ourselves. When love leaves us, we just have to let go because, if it really meant for us, it will fall back into our arms again. And it will just be gone forever if it was never really meant to be.

Joe

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