is she waiting in vain?

Joe D Mango’s LOVE NOTES

Published January 15, 2006

Could it be he’s just giving me false hopes so he won’t feel guilty about the fact that he was wrong? Some will find this pathetic, but I still love him…

Dear Joe,

I am Toni, 23, from Manila. Miguel was my boyfriend back when we were college freshmen. I used to have a crush on him because he’s really cute and smart. But everything changed when he had to drop out of school to help out at home. I had so much to do, lots of dreams to fulfil, and I was looking forward to graduating with honors. I thought this relationship would not help in any way, so I called it quits.

Even after we broke up he never stopped calling every day for almost half a year; he couldn’t understand why I decided to break up when everything was just about to begin. It even came to the point when I rejected his calls and told him that I didn’t love him.

After three long years we met again at my brother’s wake. Vulnerable as I was, I fell for him again. He was there to keep me company and to worry about me when my best friend was in the hospital. We were finally back together and we were both happy, or so I thought.

Joe, there came a time when I felt he was taking me for granted. I felt he didn’t want to be with me anymore. That he was just waiting for the right moment to make his graceful exit. But then again, I never complained about sacrificing a few hours of sleep when he needed me. Or that maybe he found the whole situation overwhelming. Or that every disapproving remark we heard from everyone around us was too much for him. I couldn’t help thinking that maybe he just wanted to get back at me for dropping him the first time. That maybe, it was all just a lie.

Joe, it has been almost a year since we were together. I never lost the love I had for him, and I still want him back. But he said the only time he can be ready to be with me is when he has proven himself worthy of my love. But I never asked for any of this. I’m not ready to let go.

Why does he always say that he’s not as happy as I think, because he loves me still, and that one day he will be back? Could it be he’s just giving me false hopes so he won’t have to feel guilty about the fact that he was wrong? Some will find this pathetic. But I still love him. And that reason alone is enough for me to hold on to his promise that he will return.

Sincerely,
Toni




Dear Toni,

I certainly hope that Miguel is reading this right now. What you are seeing is just icing on the cake. It’s what is truly behind what he says that truly behind what he says that matters. A man distances himself from a woman for a reason. Love doesn’t just die and feelings don’t just fade away. Miguel couldn’t have just fallen out of love. He wanted out because he wants to prove something to himself. He wants to be worthy of your love. These are all valid reasons, but could there be more?

Toni, I have always believed that unless two people in a relationship are able to openly tell each other what they feel inside, good or bad, they can never truly understand each other. It is important that Miguel tells you what he truly feels about you and your relationship. It is also his responsibility to tell you if you’d just be waiting in vain or if he just needs a little time. I also believe that love doesn’t make people wait. If we really love someone then we should not play with time and promises. If we don’t love a person anymore, then we just have to be honest about it, even if it hurts.

Toni, I don’t blame you for not wanting to let go. I think you are just being fair to yourself by waiting for something good to happen. Talk to Miguel and listen to his heart. If he honestly tells you what he feels, then let that be your guide. Waiting is the option that most people take, but sometimes they refuse to accept it even when it’s obvious that they are just waiting in vain.

Let us always remember that sometimes, we have to use our minds over our hearts when our feelings get too strong. When we think with our hearts, loving means clinging on when what we really need to do is let go, even if we still want to hold on.

Joe

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