refusing to love from a distance

JOE D MANGO’S LOVENOTES
Published March 23, 2003

Yes, he is a perfect gentleman but he is still the person who gave me false hope. I can never be sure that he is actually here to stay…

Dear Joe,

Two summers ago, I was introduced to the most influential person in my life. There he was – 135 pounds of pure masculinity and a million-dollar smile. I was barely 15 then so I responded the way most teenagers would – I tried to beam as brightly as I could. Apparently, that did the trick. We started going out soon after. I found out that he was 19 but he never seemed to mind that I was 14. You could always find us hopping around the streets of Malate, Makati, doing what sweethearts normally do – and more. We just seem to fit together snugly like any jigsaw puzzle.

He was more than a boyfriend. He was my Spanish tutor, dancing partner, guitar mentor, driving instructor, fashion consultant, even my spiritual director. Even though it was never my nature to allow anyone to breach my defenses, I let my guard down, let him through, and allowed him to be deeply involved in every aspect of my being. From then on, he has been the driving force of my life, my source of strength and inspiration. I was doing even better in school.

Inevitably, it wasn’t meant to last. He broke the news to me a few days before his graduation, nine months after our first meeting. We were both so excited about him finally finishing college and getting hands on the family business. He was indeed taking over their business, but it turned out that he had to leave the country to do so. I was dazed. I told him that it was no choice at all and that I’d rather have him with me or not have him at all. He accepted it. He called the day he was to leave and asked me to drive him to the airport. I declined, simply because I knew it would be too painful for me. I didn’t want a long distance relationship. There are just too many risks and too few guarantees.

So I went on with my life, or at least what’s left of it. I tried so hard to get him out of my system but it was impossible, since he sent me e-mail frequently. I never sent a reply. What’s the use? He’s never coming back. Or that’s what I thought.

Just last February, he gave me one hell of a surprise. When I went home that morning, I saw his car parked in front of our place. I just go past the gate when I heard somebody call my name. Still preoccupied with my thoughts, I turned to see him standing there.

He said he’d never be back. I wasn’t able to say anything. He noticed this and took the initiative to ask about me, how I had been these past few years. He said he didn’t really want to run their business after all, and that his dad could still do the job. After a few more awkward moments, he said he’d be leaving already. He said he had been waiting since the previous night and that he was beginning to think I changed my address. He gave me his Valentine stuff and left me feeling the earth spinning 10 times faster.

Now I do not know what to do. I don’t know what to tell him every time he calls. I’m starting to run out of excuses. I’m not yet ready for another confrontation. It’s just that I have resigned myself to the idea that he will never be involved in my life, ever. And now this. Yes, he is nice, and a perfect gentleman and everything. But he is still the person who gave me false hope. I can’t be sure that he is actually here to stay.

Sincerely,
Carol

Dear Carol,

Thank you for sharing your sentiments with us. When we get involved in a serious relationship, we dwell on the thought of sharing and keeping it forever. We work on making it stronger so that it will last. For most couples, being in a relationship means being together physically but there are times when circumstances work against them and bring on the challenge of loving from a distance.

There are many like you, who don’t feel comfortable being away from the people they love, especially if the separation means being gone for a long time. But then, I believe that these barriers are strong measures of love, fidelity and dedication. And your friend proved it. He came back to let you know that he made a choice. Something that he might have expected you to be happy about.

Carol, you are allowing your fear to ruin your chance of finding love and keeping it. It is there, knocking on your door. But you are afraid that it will just be another transient visitor. If you don’t have the courage to face the risk of losing him again then you will never be able to experience love. For only those who are brave enough to risk getting hurt are the only ones who find their true destiny.

It isn’t too late, Carol. When you like someone you should not bother to conceal it. Just let your friendship shine and glow. Often, good is done when we let a person know that he or she is special to us. True love knows no fear. If you believe in something beautiful, then it is always worth the risk.

Let us always remember that those who are afraid of what love bring never find it, and only those who are not afraid of getting hurt are the ones who keep it.

Joe