is it too late to start over?

Joe D Mango’s LOVE NOTES

Now, I’m HIV positive. And all I ever wanted was to be loved…

Dear Joe,

This is the first time that I’m really facing what I’ve been scared of all my life: my heart. My story is like Cinderella’s except it ahs a different ending. I was abandoned at birth by my father, maltreated by my own mother and siblings, and found only cruel classmates and friends who took advantage of me. But I do have a loving and caring stepfather.

I love my mother even if she didn’t love me back, and I prayed that she would hug and kiss me for all the good things I’ve done. But I just got so tired. Until now, she never treats me as a daughter. I wished I was never born and that I can close my eyes at night and not wake up. I wanted attention. I wanted to feel important.

I was in college when I finally learned how to be bad. It started with drinking and smoking and went on to secretly going to clubs and bars. My grandmother, who brought me up, would have freaked out. I went out of control, Joe. I broke my promise to my grandmother that I would stay pure and a virgin until I got married. Now she’s gone and I hate myself.

It happened on October 15, 2001 when I met this good-looking 25-year-old Fil-American disc jockey because of a free premiere night ticket. I didn’t know what got into me but it just happened. He was so nice and sweet that night. We lasted six months, with him texting me whenever he wanted sex, and I would come running. The feeling was strange, scary and exciting, and I felt alive. I thought he was the one, until I heard him say goodbye on-air because he was quitting his job to go back to LA and marry his girlfriend. And I thought he loved me. Suddenly, my world was sucked into a black hole. It felt empty, dark and abandoned.

Joe, I hated myself. But when I was just about to give up, Leslie came into my life and helped me make it through. I found a new man and the whole feeling of excitement came back. But like the first guy, he also broke my heart. I have been with eight different men in the last two years. And I still haven’t found what I have been looking for – love.

One of the guys I went out with left me with something else. I am HIV positive. Joe, I cannot understand why God allowed this to happen to me. All I ever wanted was to be loved. Now, I’m starting over, something that I should have done a long time ago. Now I realize that I can never find love unless I start loving myself. I’ve learned my lesson. It’s late but it’s okay, right? I tried to look for love in other people but I never knew that love has to start with me. Joe, I’m starting a new life. And when I find love again I know that I’ll be better. I know there is still hope.

Thess

Dear Thess,

Thank you for being brave enough to share the story of the life you’ve had in your search for love. It is a sad fact that many young people share your sentiments about their parents. Children who feel neglected and unloved search everywhere to find a place where they will be appreciated and accepted. This is a basic human need that many of us take for granted. Many of us are busy doing our own thing and fail to see that everyday, there are people trying to reach out to us.

Thess, I know you wanted nothing but love from men you were with. They probably made you believe that they were giving you what you’ve always longed for when they were, in fact, just using you.

Thess, there are times when we blame God for our misfortunes when they are of our own doing. God gave us the freedom to do as we wish. But he also gave us the responsibility for whatever our actions may bring. God may allow us to fall and suffer, but he would never abandon us when we fail.

You are starting a new life and that new life is a gift form God. Many of us take each day for granted, but for those whose days are numbered, every morning brings new hope and a new beginning. Thank you, Thess, for being strong for those who have given up. Let each morning be a day of blessing and gratitude. The end is just the beginning for those who believe and put their trust in the Lord.

Joe

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