she often ends up in complicated love affairs

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES
Published February 11, 2001

Dear Joe,

I’m 25 years old, working in one of the most prestigious software development firms in Makati as a systems engineer.

I’m no man-hater. I’ve had five relationships since high school but all were failures.

I’m easily attracted to men who are tough and mature, just like my fourth boyfriend Roy, my first serious relationship. He was the kind of man any woman would want to have. He was eight years my senior, very responsible, really secure and stable.

We started going steady when I was in junior college. We went steady for almost five years. Roy and I had a real good time together, we got along pretty well and, because I felt so sure about him, we unavoidably reached the peak of intimacy.

Before I graduated from college, Roy asked me to marry him but I refused. I asked him to wait for at least three more years. Since then we slowly drifted apart.

One day I received a letter from him telling me he was marrying someone he had gotten pregnant. I had no other choice I guess. I learned to live my life all over again and pick myself up from the floor.

In the summer of 1997, I met Reggie at our company’s summer outing to Palawan. We had five long days together in a place that was almost paradise. He was so vocal about his admiration for me.

One night, after coming home from a party where I got really drunk, he took me home and, yes, Joe, something happened between us. He knew about Roy but I didn’t mention anything about virginity.

The next morning, he was mad, saying he felt really cheated. I tried explaining I didn’t have any plans of keeping the truth from him, that I was just waiting for the perfect time but he didn’t listen.

He walked out on me without a word and has since stopped calling and eventually seeing me. I was devastated but I didn’t run after him. I tried to be strong. I didn’t even try calling or begging him to stay.

Three months later I saw him again at an employees gathering. I tried to make him feel I was okay, though deep inside I was hurting and I pitied myself.

He invited me to dinner “for old time’s sake.” He told me how sorry he was, that he wanted me back, so I gave him another chance. I guess I just can’t say no to someone I still care for.

But, Joe, he’s very different now. He hates talking about marriage. Before, when he brought me home, a goodnight kiss was enough to give him a good sleep, but now he always want us to end up in bed. I hate the thought of being used and abused but this is exactly what I’m going through.

Joe, does he really love me? Did he really accept me regardless of my past? I feel so stupid about these things. I want to break up with him and start things all over again.

My family doesn’t know what has transpired in my life. I don’t want to disappoint them because they have always been so proud of me. Please help me. I have prayed to God a lot of times and I know He hears me.

After Reggie, would there be another man who might just use me upon learning of my past? I’m afraid this kind of relationship might just go on in an endless circle. I’m confused.

Last week I got an e-mail from Roy saying he’s separated from his wife and he has taken custody of their child because he’s more financially capable. He said he still loves me more than anyone else and wants me back.

I want to accept him back but things are more complicated now. He’s married and I don’t want to be a mistress forever.


MITCH


Virginity has always been a sensitive issue in many relationships. There are men who still value greatly a woman’s chastity and would always want to have her first.

But the sad fact is not all first relationships become our last, and many women lose their virginity to their first boyfriends. Does this mean these women are doomed to fail in their succeeding relationships?

Well, I don’t think so. Many women do not end up with their first beaus but they end up with happy marriages. I believe virginity would only become an issue if there is no transparency in a relationship.

If you made a mistake in giving in to your first boyfriend, then you should have made sure your next boyfriend knew he wasn’t the first. This is where many relationship have been strained – women taking the risk of not telling your boyfriends about it. Men are likely to discover it one way or another, and if you take them by surprise they would feel cheated, get mad and get even. Then you can bid your relationship goodbye again.

But what’s done is done. No woman can go to the doctor to have her virginity stitched back. She just has to go on and find someone who would accept her and love her for what she is.

A man who loves you couldn’t care less about your past, but a man who doesn’t would use it to hurt you. Reggie doesn’t love you, he just wants you. Don’t waste your life wanting him, or you’ll just end up miserable, knowing you’ve been used and abused by someone who has never cared about you at all.

Pray for strength so you would have enough courage to resist him, and live our life the way you should. Stop hurting yourself and don’t think you’ll never find someone who can embrace your past.

Give yourself a chance and you’ll find the man whose love will see beyond your mistakes – the man who will understand you for all that you have bee, accept you for what you have become and love you for what you truly are.

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