after 17 years, he still blames himself for his girlfriend's death

Joe D Mango’s LOVE NOTES

Published July 8, 2001

Dear Joe,

They say that time heals all wounds. For me, however, that cliché always lacked what every wound leaves after it has healed. Wounds always leave you with scars, and this is what my story is all about.

I’m a successful businessman and I own a chain of computer shops all around the metropolis. Aside from keeping fit, my business is what keeps me busy. My friends tell me that I’m nice-looking but definitely not a movie-star material.

My story happened in college. I was a brash fourth-year engineering student at the University of the Philippines when I met Lalaine at one of our fraternity events. She was simple, sweet and had the most haunting eyes I have ever seen. Luckily, one of my friends knew her and introduced me.

After that night, all I could do was think of her. Every day, I’d make up an excuse to go to her college though I had no subjects there just so I could to get a glimpse of her. She would always acknowledge me when she saw me but never seemed to notice that I belonged to a different college or what I was doing there. I knew her phone number but I haven’t mustered up the courage to call her because she was not the one who gave it to me but my friend.

A month had passed by when, suddenly, as if by some miracle, I answered the phone and I found myself talking to Lalaine at the other end. It seemed that she was having difficulty in one of her Math subjects and she was looking for somebody to help her. Our common friend casually mentioned my name and so she called me to help with Calculus. That started what I’d like to call our “sparring” moments.

Despite the needed guidance in Mathematics, she was a smart girl and we would talk about almost anything and everything under the sun. We would talk for hours and end up studying for only about 30 minutes. We mostly disagreed on things, and I called it “sparring” because to the exchange of ideas. Sometimes I felt that we’d disagree on a subject because that would make it a more interesting discussion.

Nearing the end of the semester, we were walking along the Sunken Garden when she suddenly slipped and held on to me. She was laughing while holding on to me, when I suddenly blurted out the three words I have been keeping inside me for the past months. She stopped laughing, looked at me in the eye and said, “What took you so long to say it?” and then she smiled and we kissed.

Since that moment, we were rarely apart. We had the kind of a relationship that most people describe as a fairy tale come true. We fit like a tee. I had never been so happy in my life. Her parents accepted me and my parents accepted her. I couldn’t think anything or anyone who wanted our relationship to end. We argued, yes, but like in the past, those were just a “sparring” moments for us. There were even times when we’d talk about what our life would be after we got married.

Days and weeks and months passed by and before we knew it, we graduated from college. She worked as a research assistant in one of the leading networks here in the country while I reviewed for the board exams. I guess all relationships have to go through a storm and that was ours. We couldn’t seem to fit our schedules together. We never fought about it but it was always there.

When the results of the board exams came out, I was ecstatic. I was one of the topnotchers. My parents gave me a party. I was really hoping that Lalaine would be there to celebrate with me but she was given an important assignment that would give her the chance to be a field reporter. It was already 3 a.m. when Lalaine came. I was drunk and disappointed. Lalaine and I had our worst fight.

We never talked about that night. She never came to see me again. She left me – and is never coming back. Her car was rammed by a dump truck. The autopsy reported severe head injuries, but what really got me was the fact that she was three months pregnant. I lost her and my baby.

Nobody is blaming me but I am blaming myself.

That story happened 17 years ago. I have had other relationships, but to no avail. God knows how I’ve tried to pick up the pieces and move on but I can’t see myself with anyone else but Lalaine.

Rudy

Dear Rudy,

You may live your life of regret for as long as you want, until you can no longer hold your breath until you bring the memories of Lalaine to your own grave. Life is a matter of choice. There can never be anyone else in your life because you choose not to have one.

I don’t blame you for feeling responsible for Lalaine’s death. If you felt that it was your fault her car was rammed by the truck then maybe, you’re right. But then again, you don’t have to carry that burden of guilt all your life. I don’t think that choosing to become miserable is the best way to pay back what you owed Lalaine.

Live your life to the fullest and strive to become happy. We all make mistakes that sometimes have irreparable consequences. You cannot steal time and undo the hurt that could have caused Lalaine’s accident. But you can make the best out of the time that is left. You have drowned yourself in 17 years of remorse. I honestly believe that you have already served your sentence long enough.

Maybe the only way to pay back is to love again. Love again with all your heart just like the way you loved Lalaine. Learn form the lessons of the past and don’t let pride ever get in the way of your relationship. Love like you have never loved before. Somewhere, somehow, a part of that love will fly to where Lalaine is and wipe away her tears that never stopped falling ever since you blamed yourself for her sudden demise.

Joe

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