familiarity breeds reality

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES

Published February 9, 2003

Being together every single day, I began to see the real him. Now I’m torn between loving him as he is and leaving him before I suffer the same fate as my mom did with my dad…

Dear Joe,

I’m hiding under the name Becky. I’m 25 and have been dating my boyfriend Dennis for three years now. We are a picture-perfect couple, the ones who look like they’ll end up at the altar and living happily ever after.

At first that was my dream and my reality. I lived and breathed for him alone. Some late nights when he had to work overtime, I would wait up for him no matter how late just to hear his voice. It was a blissful relationship at the start. And just when I thought something good seemed endless, things started to happen.

I work at a bank and requested for a transfer to a branch near Dennis’ office, getting the approval a few months later. Ever since the transfer, we started seeing more of each other. We came to work together, ate lunch together, went home together.

Being together every single day, I began to see the real him. I saw his bad habits, the way he leaves his things scattered all over his desk, the way he easily loses his temper. One time he even shouted at me in public because he was not in a good mood. He apologized after the incident, but the deed was already done.

You see, Joe, my dad has a problem with his temper. When I was a kid, I used to cry to my mom whenever my dad shouted at us. I remember asking my mom why she married a man like my daddy. And she just said that theirs was a pre-arranged marriage which was common at the time. And at the young age, I told my mother that, when I grow up, I would neither marry nor fall in love with a man like my father.

Do you believe that saying about girl’s unwittingly choosing men like their fathers? Now, I see my dad in Dennis. The he looks at things in life – his narrow-mindedness, the temper, the difficulty in reasoning with him when he feels he’s right. Even the way he handles money. It’s like I’m looking at a person slowly unravelling before my eyes.

Now I’m torn between loving him as he is and leaving him before I suffer the same fate my mom did with my dad. Ever since I fell in love with him, I felt he was the only man for me. But at the same time I’m so afraid that I will end up the way my mom did, suffering 30 years of keeping silent whenever my dad unleashed his temper. I know no two people are the same, and I know that talking to Dennis about my fears may ease his temper for now, but who can say he’ll suppress his outbursts the rest of our lives? Should I choose to listen to my heart, or should I choose to listen to my mind? My mind says no because of fear, but my heart says I love him and that love will make a difference. I’m so afraid to make the wrong decision and regret it for the rest of my life.

Love,
Becky


Dear Becky,

Becky, I know you’re in a tough situation. You witnessed how your mom suffered in silence every time your dad gets angry, and you wouldn’t want to find yourself in the same situation. But we are talking about the man you love and the man you want to spend your life with. Your parents’ marriage was arranged. If given the choice, both of them might have married someone else. You cannot compare your relationship with Dennis to theirs. You and Dennis were bound by love. Your mom and dad were bound by the obligation to obey their own parents than by love.

Becky, there will never be a perfect boyfriend or husband. Even if you find someone who isn’t like your dad, it will still not be a guarantee that you will not be miserable in marriage. Many have fallen into believing they have found Mr. Right only to realize in the end that they have vowed to live the rest of their lives with an irresponsible, selfish and cold-hearted husband.

Before God calls us in marriage, He would want us to be sure of our decision and make us realize that once we say yes, there is no turning back. Becky, this is your test. You were brought closer to Dennis so that you can see deeper into his personality. Now that God has shown you who Dennis really is, He wants you to look into your heart. If you think you don’t have enough love to accept him for what he is then you know which way to take. But if your love is strong enough to overcome your fear then this relationship is a risk worth taking.

Becky, there is no love that comes with a “pain-free” guarantee. We simply have to accept that getting hurt will always be part of loving someone. It is a given that we cannot change. Something that we just have to deal with when it comes. Talk to Dennis and give him the chance. A person who truly loves you will try his best not to do things that he knows will hurt you. Change is inevitable and the one who loves you sincerely is bound to change for the better and not for the worst.

Becky, when the time comes that you have to make a decision, listen to both your heart and your mind and blame no one for the choice that you make. If you are confused, pray for guidance, for only God knows what’s best for us. Let us always remember that what we will regret are not the things that we did out of love but the things we missed because we were too afraid to get ourselves hurt.

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