bittersweet memories

Joe D Mango’s LOVE NOTES

Published June 5, 2005

Dear Joe,

I have always wanted to share with you a brief part of my painful past. My close friends call me Nicky, and here’s my story.

I met Don when I was in my elementary years. He was a cousin of my cousin, and we’re related only by affinity. He was always nice to me, teasing me like an older brother and playmate. We’d find ourselves laughing over almost anything. Since we share common cousins, I’d usually find myself joining their family gatherings in Laguna, his hometown. As time passed by, we eventually found ourselves getting closer.

When his grandmother passed away, I offered my condolences. But what started out as mere conversation turned into courtship, which eventually led to us being in a relationship.

At first, things started out okay. I’d go to his place after school, from Taft Ave. to Laguna, and spend as much time with him as possible. I have even become close to his family, most especially his mom, who naturally assumed that we’d end up spending the rest of our lives together. But then he started to change, calling me less often and finding excuses not to see me.

It hurts so much, Joe, knowing how much I love him and how much I sacrificed for him. I tried everything to salvage our relationship, kept asking myself where I went wrong and attended all their family functions when I was invited, all to no avail.

After a few weeks, I saw him again at his cousin’s birthday. We talked and it seemed we were going to be okay again. He was as sweet as ever, but before the night ended, things got more confusing because he started spending more time with his female friends than with me. When I couldn’t take it any more, I asked for his sister’s help, setting up a meeting at his place. We talked. That’s when he finally blurted out that because of our differences in life, my family’s outlook and my upbringing, our relationship could never work. I tried begging him to reconsider but he apologized profusely and tried to convince me that I deserve someone better than him. I felt as if I’d go crazy that night, Joe. I didn’t even notice that it was dangerous for me to go home by myself at midnight. I thought I’d never look at love the same way again.

A few years passed since then. One day, I heard from our common cousin that he was leaving for the U.S. She urged me to see him one last time, to put an end to my misery and close that chapter of my life. And I did. We talked and even made love, however, briefly. We wished each other the best of luck and then we parted ways. Up to now, I haven’t heard of him. I don’t think I ever will. Wherever he is right now, I wish him well. All I have left are memories of him. I hope these bittersweet memories show how far a person is willing to go for love.

Nicky


Dear Nicky,

There are times when no matter how much we show our love and give so much or ourselves to someone, we still cannot find enough reason why he or she doesn’t seem to care about us. Don must have loved you at the beginning, but when he began to weigh your differences he realized that you were probably not the kind of person he’d be compatible with, and one he’d want to spend the rest of his life with.

When we start assessing the value of someone, quantifying and qualifying the kind of person he or she is, we begin to lose grasp of the real essence of love. Real love doesn’t look at reasons to love. When we truly love a person, we just love that person regardless of what or she can or cannot give us back. When we start to have reasons for loving someone, then we’re bound to fall out of love when we lose these reasons. It has been said that the greatest measure of love is its ability to continue loving even when we cannot find a reason to love anymore. That is the real essence of love. When we can think of one reason not to love a person, then we can’t be capable of truly loving because love doesn’t keep a scale of what it can gain from a relationship. Real love is unselfish.

Nicky, Don put more weight on the kind of person he thinks you are and the kind of family he thinks you have. He doesn’t love you. He can only love you if you become the person he wants you to be. And you cannot be that person. You shouldn’t even be that person. You are who you are and you should be loved not for what someone wants you to be but for who you truly are.

Wish him well and move on with your life. Let your bittersweet memories remind you of how much you have loved, but let it also remind you how much more beautiful it would be if that love is shared with someone who will accept you for who you are, and love you not for what you can become but what he becomes because of you.

Joe

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