when the best isn't good enough

Joe D Mango's LOVE NOTES

Published May 22, 2005

Dear Joe,

I was in a four-year relationship that my parents didn’t know about. When I was in first year high school, I took the risk of breaking the house rules and got into a relationship with this guy. Fortunately, I was able to keep up my grades. Despite a huge fight, we were able to stay together throughout high school, partly because we were from the same school.

It was in college that we had bigger problems. Though we technically attended the same college, we went to different campuses. At first, we thought we could overcome the distance. But we eventually broke up and I tried to move on with my life.

Joe, I got messed up after that. I tried going out with other guys but I know I was just wasting their time. I still loved my ex very much. Six months later, we got back together. This time, I thought everything was going to work. Though we seldom saw each other, I tried to be a patient girlfriend. I didn’t mind when he failed to call me. I really cared for him and tried really hard to make it work. Still, my efforts weren’t enough.

He called me one Saturday to say he was giving up. He stopped answering my calls. When I asked him why, all he said was that he had fallen out of love.

I was really devastated. I got so drunk that day. Luckily, my friends were there for me. After that day, I realized that he wasn’t worth the tears. I tried to be brave, particularly because I knew he would easily find somebody new, that he would move on easily without me.

But Joe, the thing is, I’m missing him right now. I miss the old times, the things we used to do together. I feel sick just thinking that he already has someone new. I don’t know how to let go. I’m willing to do so, but it just don’t know how. Please help me.

Damsel

Dear Damsel,

It is true that acceptance is the first step to moving on but I have always believed that we can never forget the person we love. You may have accepted that he doesn’t love you anymore but have you really asked yourself if you feel the same way? I guess you really haven’t gotten over your feelings for him. Your love is the chain that keeps you bound to your past and for as long as that love remains silently burning in your heart you will never forget the person that feeds that flame.

Damsel, acceptance will put one foot forward on the road to recovery, but the only way to move on completely is to get the other foot out from the love that binds your heart to him. Peace is in knowing that you are breathing the fresh air of the present without being tainted by the stale memories of the past. Every time you cry whenever you remember him adds one glowing ember to the flame in your heart. Every time you become sad when you think of your happy moments together blows more air to that burning fire. As long as there is that fiery emotion burning inside your heart, you will never be at peace with yourself.

For most of us, there will always be a past that will remind us of beautiful memories that we wish would come back to life. But the difference between those who have found real happiness and those who are tirelessly searching for it lies in their ability to stop living in their past and wishing for the things that could have been. Happy people are those who know how to accept the verdict of the past and forgive themselves for being part of it.

When we have loved and failed, we have to grieve for a while and then learn to stop loving that person. Only when we are able to do that can we open our hearts anew and learn to love again without having to be burdened by the guilt and regrets of the past.


Joe

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what marriage should be about

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES

I don’t know what came over me but I found myself having an affair with Jay. I gave myself to a man I barely knew…

Dear Joe,

I never imagined I would find myself writing to you for advice. Just call me Rain. I am 22 and working for a prestigious company here in Ortigas. I could not ask for more in my life. I have a good job, loving parents, friends who are very supportive, and a sincere and honest boyfriend named Gabby.

Gabby and I have been going steady for more than a year. I met him at this company. We don’t have any problem except for some petty quarrels that are resolved within the day. He is very patient, loyal, understanding and even treats me like a princess.

All our office mates are asking when we’re going to tie the knot. But he would just smile and tell them that marriage is not yet on his mind. One time I told him that if he didn’t want to marry at this time, we could live together. But he didn’t want that.

He just changed the topic and told me that he doesn’t want to talk about married life. I still remained loyal to him even though I felt disappointed.

A month age, a man named Jay started sending me sweet nothings on my mobile phone. He even called me in the office and at home. Then, when I started to freak out because I didn’t know who my stalker is, an office mate told me that Jay asked him for my mobile number. I did not entertain him because I hardly knew him in the first place. I told Gabby about this man but he told me to just ignore the guy.

One day, when I was very busy doing my job, a man stood in front of my table. I looked up and saw a man I’d probably see only in my dreams. Jay introduced himself to me and said sorry for making me feel nervous. He asked me to go out that day but I rejected his offer. I thought that would be the end of it. But he kept calling and texting me. I discovered a lot of things about him. Jay is very kalog, very sincere and a down-to-earth person. He is also very rich so I could not believe he had fallen in love with a girl like me.

I began to hide things from Gabby. Every time Gabby and I are together, my mind is on Jay. I don’t know what came over me but I just found myself having an affair with Jay. I gave myself to a man I barely knew. I was ready to face the reality that after he got what he wanted, he would leave me. But he did not. He told me that after what happened, his feelings for me grew stronger. Joe, Jay is asking me to leave Gabby and to marry him. Gabby never asked even once. Jay told me he is ready to face anything just to have me, even if it would cost him his life.

Joe, I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to break up with them both. But they don’t want to let go. I told Gabby that I am falling for another guy and I don’t want to be unfair to him. I sought my parent’s advice and they don’t want Jay for me. They told me that Jay would only use me and dump me. They even told me that Jay and I don’t belong together because of our status in the society. My parents think that Jay’s family might hate me because we are not that rich.

Joe, I know this is my fault. From the start, I should not have entertained Jay. I should’ve ignored him because I am already committed to Gabby. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to fall for him. Joe, I love Jay so much. But we cannot meet very often because Gabby is always with me and my parents are screening all my calls at home. They don’t want me to get involved with Jay. Joe, it’s killing me. I want to see and talk to Jay. I don’t know what to do.

Sincerely,
Rain

Dear Rain,

This ultimate test in any relationship is when God allows someone else to get into the picture and distort it. Many who are committed to relationships remain faithful even during times of adversity and disappointments. But there are times when we simply stumble and make irreversible mistakes.

The best way to go about this kind of dilemma is to simply be true to yourself. First, you have to realize that there should never be two men in your life. It is either Jay or Gabby and not both. You should never be afraid to fight for what you feel. Live for love and not with fear. Marriages should now be about who’s rich or not. It is all about love, and sharing one’s life regardless of who has more money. Marriages are supposed to be built on things that last and not on those that rust and decay.

Let us always remember that every day we live is a choice we make. You can choose to become this today or be someone else tomorrow. Rain, make a choice and live that choice. Don’t let fear keep you from loving. Listen to your innermost self and use your mind to balance your emotion, and let it guide you to where heart should truly be.

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torn between a possessive lover and an unwed father of three

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES

Published April 22, 2001



Dear Joe,

I’m 18 years old, a sophomore student and blessed with a good and happy family. I have a boyfriend of 15 months. He comes from a well-to-do family. He’s really nice, loving, faithful, handsome, neat and a gentleman. That’s the reason many other girls and even gays envy me. If there’s one thing I complain about, it is his possessiveness. He even gets jealous with my girlfriends.

I tried talking to him about it and he admitted his faults. He told me he’ll do something about it, but he never changed. We broke up several times but we always end up in each other’s arms.

One day, I met Ramil. He’s 27 years old and good-looking, too. I don’t believe in love at first sight but it happened to me. Ramil also felt the same way toward me. He knew of my relationship with my boyfriend and he was honest to admit that he already has three kids and is living in with the mother of the kids. They’re not separated nor married. I accepted him for what he is. I’m happy being with him and I’m sure he is, too. I can openly say things to him and he listens to me. He makes me feel so special and we never had a fight about anything. We see each other constantly without my boyfriend and his girl knowing about it. Ramil and I are expressive of our feelings, but we never had sex. I know my relationship with Ramil has no assurance, but I love him. I feel so guilty because I know I’m cheating on my boyfriend and he is, too, with his girl.

I’m so confused. I’m afraid that one day, people will know about my relationship with Ramil and it would cause bigger trouble. Help me, Joe. I love Ramil, but I still love my boyfriend. I don’t want my boyfriend to know about the things I’m doing because I don’t want him to get hurt. He’s the least person I would wish to hurt. Some things in this world aren’t planned. They just happen.

I’m not so sure of what’s in store for me. It’s hard to give up one of them because they are both precious and important to me. My parents know nothing about this because I know they’ll be very disappointed. What’s the best thing to do? It’s so hard to decide. Hope I’ll get over this mess I got myself into. Thanks and God bless!

BHELLIE

There are times in our lives when we are made to choose between people who are equally important to us. People who share one common spot in our hearts. Given the option, we would rather not make a choice but under conflicting circumstances, we do.

Bhellie, you and Ramil cheated on your partners because you both felt right about being together. You believe it is love that binds you with him. Maybe it is. But, is it really possible to love two people with the same intensity at the same time?

You said you love your boyfriend but you are secretly seeing someone else. How can that be love when you are wilfully betraying the trust with which you have built your relationship upon?

It is always difficult when someone comes along and steals our heart away. This is the time when we have to rationally balance what our minds tell us what is right and what our hearts want.

The fact is, you can never have them both forever. One day, you will have to let go of either one or both of them. Never wait for tomorrow. Make your choice now. Just remember that our hearts can only feel. They don’t think and they can be very deceitful. This is the reason we have to close our eyes when our passion sweeps over us like a gust of wind. If we don’t, raging emotions will blind us and keep us from making sensible decisions. Let us use more of our heads than our hearts when we are overwhelmed by passion so that we can clearly see the path clouded by feelings out to mislead our relationships to their untimely deaths.

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should she preserve loveless marriage?

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES
Published December 2, 2001

Dear Joe,

Simply call me Mary. I work as an executive in an auditing firm where I met Abner. Actually, he was a brother of an officemate and close friend.

At first I found Abner very boring but he was so caring and that made me admire him. He phoned me several times before we finally met for dinner. Our first date was followed by another, and another, until we became inseparable. We were in love, deeply in love so we decided to have an unplanned wedding. I was three months on the family way then.

Abner was a loving husband and a caring partner at first. It was not until I gave birth that I noticed a drastic change in him. He was so jealous most of the time and was suspicious of every man he saw me with, even though he knows he’s the first and only man in my life.

One day he asked me why I had an affair with another man. I was shocked, hurt and devastated considering that I just gave birth and was slowly recovering from postnatal depression. I just couldn’t understand why he would make such an accusation.

Arguments followed after that and no matter how hard I explained and assured him that it was not true (although there was nothing to explain because even his family knows I couldn’t possibly do it being his sister’s friend for seven years) he just wouldn’t listen. The only way for us to settle the matter was for me to agree that his accusations were true. God knows I wouldn’t compromise the truth so I naturally did not accept the condition.

What was worse was he convinced me to sign an annulment paper because he believed I really had an affair with another man.

I was shocked to learn he had a history of personality disorder, which his family never told me. I told them I wanted to help Abner, but it’s difficult because I was the object of his hatred. I asked my husband to see a doctor, and he obliged. But his first visit to a psychiatrist was also his last. He couldn’t accept the fact that there was something wrong with him.

Recently I learned from a friend that Abner was regularly consulting a seer, asking if it was all right to get into another relationship. It made me think that this was just a scheme for him to finally get rid of me and evade his responsibility to our child.

I did all my best to save our marriage. I gave him enough time to change his mind and tried to win him back, but he’s remained convinced of his allegations.

Considering the hurt, not to mention the injustice, done to me, I thought it was best that I considered annulment to give him the freedom he wanted though I was still confused. Am I making the right decision or, as his wife, should I give him another chance even if he has been telling me he doesn’t love me anymore? Please help me. Thank you and God bless.

MARY

I know you are in a very difficult situation, torn between trying to keep your marriage vow and leaving your husband who apparently wants you and your child out of his life.

I have always believed in preserving marriages; in trying our best to compromise, sacrifice and take chances even if the odds seem to be against us. But there are times when our efforts become futile because our partners don’t share our dreams. They start building their own dreams without us in the picture. How can we possibly find harmony in a relationship without the cooperation of the other person involved?

You have done your best to save this marriage. There are legal issues in an annulment. Your lawyer should make these impediments clear, if this is where you are headed. You were accused of infidelity but you know there was no one else in your life. All you wanted was to keep your marriage and leave your child with a legacy of a family. But a family is a team. If your husband doesn’t want to be a part of it, then you will not be able to overcome the obstacles that will come your way. The ground for an annulment should not be the admission of something you did not do. It should be your husband’s incapacity to keep a decent marriage.

You and your child deserve to be happy. Even your husband deserves to find his own happiness. You may not be able to find happiness together, but you will find it. What we do today affects the events of tomorrow. Let us make the most out of what we have now so we can always look back at yesterday without regret and see tomorrow with a vision of hope and happiness.

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should i try to win her back or just let go?

Joe D Mango's LOVE NOTES

Dear Joe,

Just call me Dante. I’m 23 and a computer programmer at a government office. Trish and I have been together for over three years. Our first year was challenging because I was so demanding and possessive. But we survived that and I was able to change my attitude. The following year, the tables were turned and she became immature and selfish. It didn’t bother me and it actually made me stronger. She was there during all the significant events in my life. We became so intimate, all that remained for us was to get married. Even our families were so happy for us and considered us a perfect couple.

But last year, things really became difficult. We began to argue over even the littlest things, to the point that we were digging up past transgressions. We were hurting each other not only through words but also physically. I made myself busy just to forget the pain but that made Trish more difficult.

I finally decided that we needed space to think things over. She didn’t give up on me and said that we didn’t need time apart from each other. But then I made a stupid mistake. I used an imaginary girlfriend to make her agree to my initial suggestion. At the same time, I assured Trish that I still love her, that I would go back to her someday.

We had no communication for two months, and then she told me that she already had a new boyfriend who saved her from her depression. It exploded in my face like a bomb, Joe. I discovered that she was the source of my happiness. Up to now, I keep trying to convince her to come back to me, telling her that I will wait for her forever. Please tell me what I should do. Should I continue to try and win her back or just let go?

Sincerely,
Dante

Dear Dante,

It is true that we only realize how important a person is when she’s gone. There are many moments in a relationship when we are driven to compete with our partners. Family, work and friends usually become the center of sensitive jealousy issues. We start to argue about how much time is spent on our relationships. We begin to selfishly demand the time that we sometimes have so little of.

Physical presence is very important in a relationship but in this very demanding and challenging world, it pays to be understanding and flexible with our demands. Dante, you can spend the whole day with someone but be emotionally away from her, in the same way that you can spend just a few minutes with that person and yet make her feel so loved and important. The truth is, it is not really a question of how much time we spend with the people we love but the quality of time that we spend with them.

When we are challenged in our relationship, we are always tempted to run away just to prove our point, satisfy our ego and hurt the people who love us. You’ve hurt Trish enough for her to consider seeking shelter in someone else’s arms. Competition and jealousy are poisons that kill a relationship, and sometimes we find out how devastating they are only when it is too late.

If she truly doesn’t love you anymore then maybe it wouldn’t do you much good to push yourself too hard. You would probably be just annoying her and make her hate you more. Dante, just remember that no matter how sincere our intentions are, it is how we show them that make people react. It is only when we try to be transparent in our relationships that people learn to understand why we act the way we do and begin to accept us for just being ourselves.

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should he leave everything in the U.S. for love?

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVE NOTES

Dear Joe,

It has been years since I left for the United States, but the feeling I have for my high school sweetheart, Lena, remains strong. Friends have told me to move on. I did get involved with many girls, but to tell you honestly, I still see her face when I close my eyes at night and when I wake up in the morning.

I cannot complain about my life here in the US. Great job, nice car, brand-name clothes. I have been able to accomplish things that I would never have in the Philippines.

She was my first love; I was her first, too. She brought out the best in me. She was a sister, a classmate, a girlfriend, but most especially, she was my best friend. She knew me inside-out. She knew all my secrets. She was the one who pushed me to go to the US and now I’m reaping the benefits of it. I was emotionally weak back then, but she was the one who gave me strength. I told myself that I would marry her someday.

It was my fault that we broke up. During my first years in the US, I cheated on her, and she found that out through a friend. Months passed and there were no letters, no phone calls. But eventually we became friends again. We talked on the phone occasionally, but we avoided talking about what happened to our relationship. A very well-known international company employed her. She lived her dream and supported her family.

In 1999, I went back to the Philippines to attend my best friend’s wedding. A week before I arrived, she told me on the phone that she wouldn’t make it to the wedding for we would be tied up with work. I told her that we could just go out for dinner for old times’ sake and she agreed. The wedding day arrived and I had fun. I didn’t mind the headache caused by the jet lag because my high school classmates were all there so it was a big reunion for us. I was in the basement chatting with old pals when a friend told me that he was going to introduce me to someone upstairs. So I went up and to my big surprise, she was there standing in front of me. No words came out of my mouth except “hi.” I was shaking. It was the most nervous experience I ever had. We just shook hands, and then kissed her on the left cheek. All of our classmates and friends sang “Together Again.” We talked after the wedding and I asked for her forgiveness. I kissed the lips that I had wanted to kiss since leaving for the US.

I spent a month in the Philippines and it was the best time of my life. I was living a fairy tale. Before I got back to the US, we became engaged.

Unfortunately, our love grew cold. We couldn’t find time to talk because we were both busy working. We became strangers to each other. The engagement was called off. I was hurt but she was hurt more.

It has been two years and it still hurts. She made up her mind not to marry. She would stay single for the rest of her life. She avoids me, according to our friends, but they could still see that she still cares for me. When I spoke with her a week ago, she told me that the thought of us together still crosses her mind, but she ignores it.

I have lost her twice and I don’t want to lose her again. I am willing to give up everything I have to go back to the Philippines just to prove how much I love her. Is risking everything for the one you love worth it? Should I start anew?

TOMMY

Dear Tommy,

It is true that time and distance can sometimes be love’s greatest enemy. You have proven that twice and you know how career and other priorities could sideswipe a relationship.

Loving someone would always entail decisions that may change lives forever. You have a clear picture of where your relationship is heading if you decide to stay in the US. If convincing her to join you there proves very difficult, then someone has to make a sacrifice. If you ask me if it’s worth risking everything for someone you truly love, my answer is yes.

The true test of one’s love is one’s willingness to deny oneself. Love is sometimes spelled sacrifice. It is what we give and not what we get from a relationship that makes it rewarding.

At this point, you know that there is only one way to prove your love for the girl you want to marry. Opportunities for a better life come often but love knocks only a few times. This may be your last call.

Joe

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she's in love with someone who can't make a commitment

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES

Published June 3, 2001

Dear Joe,

I’m writing from the Middle East (hope you don’t mind if I don’t mention exactly where I am because that guy I’m having a problem with listens to you most of the time). I’ve been working here for almost three years now.

It all started last year. It was a female friend who introduced me to Rand (not his real name). I put the idea aside because I didn’t need another man in my life just yet. That could wait. Two months after I decided to meet this guy.

At my friend’s house, I was a little fidgety ad I’ve noticed that it was becoming very late and thought he changed his mind about coming. I was about to give up when the doorbell rang. It was him! He’s not exactly good-looking but he was very presentable. Tall and slim, nice and quiet. But what an appetite he has! But he was a pleasant guy.

All of a sudden, there was a smile on my face again. My dad noticed it, too, so whenever he calls and I’m asleep, he would wake me up. He knew that I was happy. Our days and weeks would be a routine. A day wouldn’t pass with us not talking to each other. I suddenly realized that I liked him! I was very inspired in all the things I’ve been doing.

Then, he was reassigned in Manila. I didn’t know what to feel. And what made it even worse is that I never really knew how he felt for me.

Rand is in Manila now. We send text messages or talk whenever I get the chance to go home.

I don’t know what to think anymore. I know I’m not supposed to expect anything from him. Should I wait for him? Or should I just forget him? Yes, it is very hard to let go and say goodbye, but if that’s the only way to make everything right, I could.

KAY

There are times in our relationships when words are never said and all we hear are unspoken sentiments concealed in glances and implicit gestures. Times when we choose to remain silent because we are afraid of what our words may bring and what our expressions may reveal.

It is indeed inspiring to live our lives for someone who we hope would, one day, share forever with us. But if this hope will be based on feelings and not fact, then we might just wake up one day being sorry for wanting too much.

You are afraid to wake up to a bad dream and you want to give up a fight which you haven’t fought yet. Why don’t you express your feelings and let Rand see beyond your silence? Communication is the first step in building a relationship. Without this vital element, all and every effort would just be like kisses in the wind.

If you really like Rand, give him your best shot. See how he reacts and take your next step from there. You can hold on and wait for love or say goodbye and move on.

Turning our backs on someone who inspires us should not be a choice but an option. We give up only when we have tried and we should keep on trying until we exhaust all our reasons to hang on.

Let us always remember that it is better to lose a battle we fought than to lose a battle we never had the courage to face.

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she's afraid to express her feelings for a classmate

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES
Published December 9, 2001

Dear Joe,

Call me Joy, a senior college student in one of the prestigious universities in Manila. My problem started when I met Elton, a classmate in one of my minor subjects. It was his dimples that caught my fancy.

We sat close to each other, but we never talked. He rarely smiled at me, but that didn’t matter. One day he finally noticed my existence and asked me if I had a boyfriend. I told him I had one. I had to lie every time someone asked me that question because nobody would believe me if I said otherwise. It’s not that I didn’t have suitors, but it was so hard to find someone I really like. Some of them were rich and good-looking, but boring. Some were cute and intelligent, but conceited.

When I met Elton, the man of my dreams, I wished we could be lovers. But how could we be if he didn’t like me. He was neat, good-looking, smart, assertive and very thoughtful. No wonder, many girls on our campus had a crush on him. I knew that what I felt for him was different. His gestures were more than just friendly and because of his caring and thoughtful ways, I fell for him.

Since February, we’ve become close friends. We talk about a lot of things even during class hours. We share many happy moments. One time, he accompanied me to my next class because he was depressed not seeing his girlfriend for a long time. I don’t know if he was trying to hurt me or he just wanted to see how I would react. I couldn’t show my love for him; instead, I treated him harshly.

During the semestral break, I thought that this crazy feeling would fade away, but it grew even deeper. I saw him again when classes resumed last June, but I didn’t have the courage to greet him. When he saw me, he told me to give his regards to my “boyfriend”. I wanted to tell him, “It’s you I want, that’s why I haven’t committed myself to anybody yet.” But I didn’t have the guts to reveal what I truly felt for him. Before we parted, he said, “Ingat.” I didn’t know if he was just being friendly or if he meant something else. I’m not sure if he likes me but he’s always on my mind.

I want to let him know what I feel for him through a letter, but he might get a bad impression. I don’t want to lose him. Tell me what to do.

JOY

Sometimes a woman gets scared in openly expressing her feelings for someone, simply because she is afraid in finding out what the other person feels for her. Even if she likes him so much, she just treads on each day with fond thoughts of him as she savors his presence from a distance. She feels safer there because she only has to deal with her own feelings. She wastes precious time waiting for the right chance and when she finally goes out of her way to reach out to this person and make her feelings known, it’s too late. He would have found someone else.

Not all men are good when it comes to relating their feelings. They have their own different styles and some even wait for a sign before they proceed with their plans. It’s really hard to tell how a guy feels for a girl just by interpreting his actions. If you really like Elton, then you have to help him express himself. I don’t think he would get a bad impression id you sincerely express what you feel. There are a hundred different ways of getting into a man’s heart. Let him know how you feel. Tell him that you like him and enjoy being with him. Send him a note or treat him to merienda. Be simple and sincere. Just be yourself. When your message gets through, I’m sure that he’s going to make the next move. If you’re meant for each other, this can be the start of a beautiful forever. Good luck and my best wishes.

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she'd rather be hurt than lose the love of her married boyfriend

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES

Published June 10, 2001

Dear Joe,

I’m 24 years old, working in a well-established company in Ortigas. This is my first job and because of the friends I’ve made, I’ve become so attached to my work and the people around me, especially Two-Five. Two-Five is very sweet and intelligent. And we are very compatible.

During my sixth month in this office, my friend dared me to kiss Two-Five. This was a month before his wedding to his girlfriend of 11 years. But that particular kiss didn’t end there. A week before their marriage, we had sex.

Now that he’s a family man, we haven’t stopped seeing each other. As the days pass, the more our feelings for each other grow. I tried to have a boyfriend or two after he got married, but I kept going back to him for comfort and support. My heart belongs only to him and it yearns for his love and affection. I’ve tried to control what I feel for him and God knows he has tried as well.

I’m so confused. He loves his wife and son but he loves me, too. I know that this relationship is going nowhere, but I just can’t live without him. I just can’t deny my feelings for him. The pain is unbearable, but I’d rather be hurt than lose his love. What will I do?

Thank you, Joe, and more power.

TWO-EIGHT


Destiny is indeed a matter of choice and not a matter of chance. That first kiss wouldn’t have been so devastating if it was not followed by several other kisses that passionately led to something that changed your life forever.

Tw0-Eight, your man vowed to love his wife and only his wife for the rest of his life. It must have been difficult saying that wedding promise with you at the back of his mind. Honestly, I don’t think a man can love with the same intensity twice. He could either love you or his wife more.

He knows very well that he is putting the fate of his family at stake by nurturing an illicit affair with you. If she finds out about this, then your boyfriend may face the dilemma of choosing between you and his family. Fate then will take its final course.

Two-Eight, your future will never be bright if it’s going to be borrowed form someone else’s misery. You just can’t love a married man and be happy forever. One day, you would have to face the fact that he has a family who depends on him and he would have to stay where he truly belongs.

You have had your share of romance and moments of bliss with him. I hope you find that enough because if you would still want more, then you might as well consider breaking a family. I’m sure it is something you wouldn’t want to happen to your own.

Live not on what your heart dictates but on what is right and sensible. There is still time to turn away. Remember, the true joy of living is not only in loving ourselves but also in loving without hurting others.

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she wants to do something about her friend's illicit affair with their boss' husband

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVE NOTE
Published May 13, 2001

As a friend, the best thing one can do is to remind her that we can never be happy at the expense of other’s feelings…

Dear Joe,

Just call me Jing. I’m 25 years old and presently working as an executive secretary in a well-known company in Laguna. I’ve been working here for eight years now and I have grown close to my boss. She treats me like her very own daughter and all her employees are very kind to her because she always attends to the needs of everybody.

But this letter revolves around my friend, Gina, who also works in our office. We share a common interest in many things and we are really good friends. She’s pretty and that is why a lot of our clients really get attracted to her. Gina is always present whenever there’s a family gathering in my boss’ house because her husband always tells her that Gina is his relative. In 1992, Gina told me that she feels differently for my boss’ husband. I was really shocked because I knew that they were relatives and, besides, he’s already married and to our boss for that matter. I didn’t mind it but I constantly reminded her of its consequences.

Last year, our boss went to the United States for a convention. I began to worry because I felt that Gina was getting in too deep with her illicit affair. I felt sorry for my boss because Gina was betraying her. I have always asked the Lord to enlighten Gina because I feel so guilty knowing that I could have done something about it. But I don’t have the courage to reveal their relationship. Is it right to tell what I know, create a big mess, and destroy a family and long years of friendship? Please tell me what to do.

JIng

Dear Jing,

As a sensible person, I know that you feel obliged to tell your boss everything that happens behind her back. But you haven’t established concrete evidence against Gina’s illicit relationship with your boss’ husband yet. Even if you know for sure that they are lovers, do you think confessing this to your boss would solve the problem?

I honestly don’t think that we should meddle with other people’s affairs but since you are directly affected and bothered by this, then you might as well do something about it. You are not in a position to tell Gina what to do or what not to do even if she is your friend. You can only try to bring a change in her relationship with your boss’ husband and that’s only how far you can go.

If you tell your boss what you see or hear then you just might merit from it by being a loyal secretary. But in exchange, you would probably lose a friend and ruin a family, I’m sure you wouldn’t want that to happen. So why don’t you try to find a solution for the other side?

Don’t judge Gina by telling her that she’s wrong and what she’s doing is a sin. Don’t even try to talk her out of the relationship for she will never let go unless that’s what she really wants to do. As a friend, the best thing you can do is to constantly remind her that we can never be truly happy at the expense of others’ feelings. Tell her to weigh her options and be guided not by emotions alone but by good judgment as well. Keep on praying that they may be guided by what is right and pleasing to the Lord. Let us remember that we should accept people as they are. We should not judge them when they have gone the wrong way but rather help them realize what is right so they may change to become better and more responsible and loving persons.

Joe

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she suppresses her feelings for a friend whom she now avoids

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES

Dear Joe,

I’m typically perceived as a strong individual, easy to get along with, not that stunningly beautiful, but I do have my share of suitors. It’s just that I never got interested in them, not after my last breakup three years ago.

I transferred almost two years ago to the firm I’m connected with right now. Being the friendly person that I am, I easily got close to my peers. Among them, it was Rico who seemed to appreciate me and became my constant companion. It started with Rico telling me all about his likes, his life, his fiancée. He admitted it was only me whom he was able to confide with, aside from Janine, his fiancée. Janine was working in another country and was due to return in Manila mid-next year for their wedding.

I knew he just needed a listening ear. Although he admitted he didn’t mention me to Janine even once, I encouraged him to tell her about me casually because I knew there was really nothing to hide. One early morning, he called me up to tell me that he and Janine had a misunderstanding because of me. He told Janine about me, and that there was a possibility he was already falling for me. Naturally, she got jealous and mad. At that time I didn’t know how to feel, but more than anything I pitied myself. I didn’t have the slightest intention of doing them harm.

After that incident, I suggested to Rico we should not spend too much time together. Things went back to normal, but still he would stay with me whenever time permits, but I would remind him of Janine. He even went to ask me if he was falling for me, and I casually told him he just missed Janine. After all, they spent almost half of their lives together.

To make things easier for us, I kept myself busy. I’d go out with other friends and stop rendering overtime work (to the detriment of my career). And I am already entertaining suitors because I’m capable of loving again.

I’ve read somewhere that we shouldn’t waste time to show someone we love them. In my case, I have to defy such belief. I know there a lot of other people who are in the same predicament I’m in right now. It’s hard but we have to be strong.

There are times I just want to resign from work. I don’t know how long I can hold on but still I’m hoping that we’ll remain friends.

Please pray for me and for people like me.

MIA

Sometimes we wonder why just can’t we fall in love and be happy. Why does there always have to be a string of constraint and confusion attached to it? Why can’t we just love someone and not be guilty about feeling that way?

Mia, it’s a cold hard fact that not all the people we choose to love may be able to return the same feelings. They may either be committed to someone else or may not be interested in us all.

But Rico must have liked you a lot for he would not have had the courage to tell his girlfriend about his feelings for you. But you knew you never wanted to be the cause of conflict so you backed off to a safe distance. I think he understood your message and somehow realized he can never be more that a friend to you.

But, he thought wrongly. Now you are the one falling and hoping against hope that you may find love in him again.

Mia, your work doesn’t have to suffer just because you have fallen in love with your officemate. You cannot turn your back from what your heart cries out for. Somehow, you would have to get your act together and deal with this sweeping emotion. How long do you think can you hide your affection that grows as each day passes? How long can you make excuses to avoid him?

Mia, sometimes the easiest way to get the weight off our chest is to honestly let the other person know how we feel. Tell Rico you are avoiding him because you are afraid of falling in love too deep that you may never be able to get out of it. Let him know you just wanted to get it off your chest and you are not in any way expecting anything from him. At least you would not have to worry about him finding out from someone else. After this, close this book and go on with your life.

He may remain as your friend or you may lose him forever. But, he may also return your feelings in a way that you would never expect. Then, this would have to be a new chapter. Mia, live by the day and deal with your emotions as they come. Be honest with yourself and true to what you feel. Let us always remember that love never grows when it is secretly kept locked in our hearts. Love will only find fulfilment when it finds its way out and dwells in the heart of that person destined to keep it.

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she still yearns for an ex-boyfriend who is already married

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES

Published September 16, 2001

Dear Joe,

I was 21 years old when I worked for an advertising company in Makati. Rob was 31 then and was a senior officer in the same company.

Our company hosted a seminar and I was paired off with Rob in a presentation. I found out that he was gregarious, intelligent and witty. Because we were so compatible, we often went out. We both loved dancing and mountain climbing.

On one weekend Rob and I went fishing, he admitted that he had a live-in partner and a 2-year-old daughter. He explained to me that Helen was just one of his flings. Because of their child, he was forced to live with her. I took it calmly and I did not cry. The relationship blossomed and we became closer than ever. All he asked from me was to give him more time.

One night I found Rob at my door step, looking sad. Helen kicked him out of their house with the threat that he’d never see their daughter again. Of course, I wasn’t elated. I asked him to go home instead and settle things with her.

The next day Rob told me that he and Helen decided to give it a try. It was then that I realized he was still in love with her. He explained that he was doing this so he could have his daughter. After that meeting, he did not report for work for three days. Helen called me at the office and asked me to go to the hospital. Rob had an overdose of sleeping pills.

What I can’t forget were the words he uttered. He told not to admit to Helen that we had a relationship. After one month, I reluctantly ended our relationship. At first he did not agree, but soon enough, Rob conceded. I resigned from my job and accepted a long-standing invitation to have a vacation in Lisbon, Portugal where my aunt lives. After six months, I returned here and learned that Rob and Helen had migrated to Canada.

I’m now 24 years old and have become successful in buying and selling garments/apparel here and abroad. I’ve been going out with other guys, but it seems that I’m not interested in having a relationship anymore.

I’ve tried everything to forget Rob, but when will I be free from my love for him?


GINA of Parañaque


It seems that love has kept you in the dark and lonely corners of the past. You have been a prisoner of a world you built yourself. A world where Rob always lives and one that incessantly reminds you of warm thoughts of him.

A lot of good people with sincere intentions get hurt for the wrong reasons. Rob could have loved you but it was not enough to make him stand for what he truly felt. Now, beneath that self-assured self is a lonely woman still searching for love and the true meaning of happiness.

You have burdened yourself long enough. You can never forget Rob because you still love and care for him until now. And the harder you try to drive him out of your system the more painful it will get.

You don’t have to forget rob to be able to go on living. He will always be in your heart so just let him stay there. You are lonely because you haven’t accepted that Rob is gone for good. Somehow, you still hope that he will be back and that somewhere in time, you will meet again to relive all that has been lost. These thoughts give you hope but they give way for loneliness to creep in and take away your strength.

You can only be free if you let go of the past. Don’t cry over the things that could have been because the things that could still be are far more important.

The pain love brings should not make us bitter but better persons. I know that if you truly open your heart, you will find happiness in the arms of someone who will love you and put meaning back into your life.


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she rejects his love but regrets losing his friendship

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES

Published April 15, 2001



Dear Joe,

I am Darling, a fresh graduate of one of the prestigious universities in Metro Manila. I never thought that I would meet a person who’d see the other side of me that other people nor even I knew existed. It was a terrible thing to realize that you’ve fallen in love with a certain person who’d suddenly leave you. Letting go is the hardest part and accepting the consequence of your mistakes is a painful torture.

Ted and I had been the best of friends for almost a year. We had been through thick and thin. It was like we were the only persons who could better understand each other. But after our first date, we were not comfortable with each other anymore and it became more complicated when we kissed and hugged everytime we went out. It came to a point that we were already arguing about almost anything. That’s when we started talking about what was bothering us. We were blinded by the fact that we were already falling for each other. He told me he’d always wanted to reveal his feelings but three things kept him from doing so: he doesn’t want to hurt Joseph, the father of my 2-year-old daughter, since he knows that Joseph loves me more than his life; Dennis a suitor, would surely hate him; and that I’d be going back to the United Sates anyway after my graduation.

I was surprised to hear all these from Ted. There was a part of me that was unsure so I told him to just go with the flow because many people would get hurt if we’d push things right away. But he was so eager to prove his intentions that I just couldn’t afford to break his heart. Whenever I was having problems, he was always there for me.

After a few months, Ted decided to move on with his life because, according to him, it seemed that whatever he did, he just could not make me happy. I let him go. I can afford to lose him as a lover but never as a best friend. I cannot do anything to change his mind. I just hope that someday our paths will cross again. I will always remember what he told me once, “ If we’re still single at 45, we will marry each other.”

I’ll be going back to the US and my wish is for Ted to always keep me in his heart until we meet again.

God bless! Thanks and more power.


DARLING

I don’t think that waiting until both you and Ted are 45 and still single is such a practical idea. Yes, love can wait but at 45, you would have missed out so much in life already. Darling, sometimes opportunity knocks only once in our lives. Once we let it pass, it may never cross our paths again. Finding someone who will love us for what we have been and what we are isn’t easy. More often that not, people put a price tag to the things they do for us. Seldom do we find someone who can accept the good and the bad in us.

I think Ted has shown and proven beyond any doubt and in many concrete ways that he loves you. You were afraid to accept that love because there were still so many things in your life that you have left unfinished.

If there is nothing more than friendship that you can offer him, then I believe it is just fair to keep some distance from him because forgetting someone we love will be doubly hard if that person keeps us hanging by making his presence felt in his own ways. In this case, you just can’t bargain friendship for love, for Ted cannot be a friend without falling in love with you. You would just either have to accept that love or give him space to recover from his fall.

We all wish that love will knock at our doors and come to live, even for a moment, in our hearts. But, not everyone would be as lucky. There are those who would find it and keep it but there will also be those who would find it yet lose it for a hundred reasons. There are those who would still be waiting, hoping that maybe they would be in luck next time it comes around.

Darling, I hope Ted is listening now so he can hear what your heart has to say. Love could just be waiting for the right reason, the right place and the right moment. I hope you would stay in his heart so when loves comes knocking again you’d be there to open it for him. Hopefully, when that time comes, if ever it comes again, you would have settled all the accounts of the past and ready to start a new life with him – the man you are truly destined to be with forever.

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she only wants her married lover

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES
Published July 22, 2001



Dear Joe,

Just call me Misty and I am one of the avid listeners of your No. 1 program, “Love Notes.” The friendly way you offer advice moved me to share my love story with you.

It was May last year when I met Rod. He just joined the construction company where I was working and I was assigned to assist him. At first, I found it hard to approach him because he was the shy type and preferred to stay alone in his room, ignoring everybody around him. At first, I thought he was weird, but after a few weeks I found a way to draw him out of his shell. We became close to each other. I found out that he was interesting, intelligent, friendly and really fun to be with.

As days passed, we became closer. I though at first that he considered me and elder sister since I’m five years older than him. He used to tell me about his plans, ambitions as well as his heartaches and disappointments. I was his confidante and I tried to help him in any way I can. Then a feeling of being more than just friends developed. It was an ecstatic feeling – each moment we spent together was pure magic. But the joy could not be complete. We could not openly show our relationship because he was already married, something I knew from the day we met. At that time, I did not care if loving him was right or wrong. All I knew was we loved each other. It didn’t bother us what people around the office might say if they found out about us although we still tried to be discreet. My life revolved around him. I loved Rod very much and he was my first real love.

One day, Rod didn’t report for work. I was terribly troubled. I felt that something was wrong. He was absent the whole week and it made me so miserable. Of course, there was no way I could contact him without letting his wife know what was going on between us. I felt the world shatter around me. After another week, I received a letter form him, together with his resignation letter. He told me he loved me so much but he preferred to stay away so as not to ruin my life. Rod didn’t know how badly I was affected.

I was angry and I felt cheated. I knew the consequences of loving the wrong guy but I didn’t mind. This happened several months ago, but until now I have not gotten over Rod. I still love him and I hope that one day he’ll come back. Am I wrong to feel this way? I have lost hope of finding someone else. It’s Rod I want. Am I crazy?

MISTY

It is never wrong to feel this way for someone. What makes loving painful is when we expect the other person to give back this love with the same intensity. Most of us can’t seem to love unselfishly because we always expect to get something in return when we give. You should be thankful that Rod had the courage to deny himself of what he wants, to preserve those that he needs. Put yourself in his wife’s place and see how it feels if someone tries to take your husband away from you. A lousy marriage is not a good enough reason for couples to break their vows. If you only think of your own happiness, then it is not love you feel but selfishness. We can never be truly happy if it is at somebody else’s expense. Accept Rod’s decision.

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she often ends up in complicated love affairs

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES
Published February 11, 2001

Dear Joe,

I’m 25 years old, working in one of the most prestigious software development firms in Makati as a systems engineer.

I’m no man-hater. I’ve had five relationships since high school but all were failures.

I’m easily attracted to men who are tough and mature, just like my fourth boyfriend Roy, my first serious relationship. He was the kind of man any woman would want to have. He was eight years my senior, very responsible, really secure and stable.

We started going steady when I was in junior college. We went steady for almost five years. Roy and I had a real good time together, we got along pretty well and, because I felt so sure about him, we unavoidably reached the peak of intimacy.

Before I graduated from college, Roy asked me to marry him but I refused. I asked him to wait for at least three more years. Since then we slowly drifted apart.

One day I received a letter from him telling me he was marrying someone he had gotten pregnant. I had no other choice I guess. I learned to live my life all over again and pick myself up from the floor.

In the summer of 1997, I met Reggie at our company’s summer outing to Palawan. We had five long days together in a place that was almost paradise. He was so vocal about his admiration for me.

One night, after coming home from a party where I got really drunk, he took me home and, yes, Joe, something happened between us. He knew about Roy but I didn’t mention anything about virginity.

The next morning, he was mad, saying he felt really cheated. I tried explaining I didn’t have any plans of keeping the truth from him, that I was just waiting for the perfect time but he didn’t listen.

He walked out on me without a word and has since stopped calling and eventually seeing me. I was devastated but I didn’t run after him. I tried to be strong. I didn’t even try calling or begging him to stay.

Three months later I saw him again at an employees gathering. I tried to make him feel I was okay, though deep inside I was hurting and I pitied myself.

He invited me to dinner “for old time’s sake.” He told me how sorry he was, that he wanted me back, so I gave him another chance. I guess I just can’t say no to someone I still care for.

But, Joe, he’s very different now. He hates talking about marriage. Before, when he brought me home, a goodnight kiss was enough to give him a good sleep, but now he always want us to end up in bed. I hate the thought of being used and abused but this is exactly what I’m going through.

Joe, does he really love me? Did he really accept me regardless of my past? I feel so stupid about these things. I want to break up with him and start things all over again.

My family doesn’t know what has transpired in my life. I don’t want to disappoint them because they have always been so proud of me. Please help me. I have prayed to God a lot of times and I know He hears me.

After Reggie, would there be another man who might just use me upon learning of my past? I’m afraid this kind of relationship might just go on in an endless circle. I’m confused.

Last week I got an e-mail from Roy saying he’s separated from his wife and he has taken custody of their child because he’s more financially capable. He said he still loves me more than anyone else and wants me back.

I want to accept him back but things are more complicated now. He’s married and I don’t want to be a mistress forever.


MITCH


Virginity has always been a sensitive issue in many relationships. There are men who still value greatly a woman’s chastity and would always want to have her first.

But the sad fact is not all first relationships become our last, and many women lose their virginity to their first boyfriends. Does this mean these women are doomed to fail in their succeeding relationships?

Well, I don’t think so. Many women do not end up with their first beaus but they end up with happy marriages. I believe virginity would only become an issue if there is no transparency in a relationship.

If you made a mistake in giving in to your first boyfriend, then you should have made sure your next boyfriend knew he wasn’t the first. This is where many relationship have been strained – women taking the risk of not telling your boyfriends about it. Men are likely to discover it one way or another, and if you take them by surprise they would feel cheated, get mad and get even. Then you can bid your relationship goodbye again.

But what’s done is done. No woman can go to the doctor to have her virginity stitched back. She just has to go on and find someone who would accept her and love her for what she is.

A man who loves you couldn’t care less about your past, but a man who doesn’t would use it to hurt you. Reggie doesn’t love you, he just wants you. Don’t waste your life wanting him, or you’ll just end up miserable, knowing you’ve been used and abused by someone who has never cared about you at all.

Pray for strength so you would have enough courage to resist him, and live our life the way you should. Stop hurting yourself and don’t think you’ll never find someone who can embrace your past.

Give yourself a chance and you’ll find the man whose love will see beyond your mistakes – the man who will understand you for all that you have bee, accept you for what you have become and love you for what you truly are.

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she is confused about the true feelings of her suitor whom she likes

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES

Published October 28, 2001



Dear Joe,

I just came out of a relationship and promised myself not to jump into another one for the meantime. But I guess fate had its own plans for me. After learning that I had broken up with my boyfriend, a friend of mine started looking for an eligible replacement. She introduced me to Gem and his best friend, Gary. After that, whenever Gem and I pass each other, exchange of words was limited to just “hi’s” and “hello’s.” But it was not making any progress to win my affection, Gem stepped in and started playing bridge. But every time he put in a good word for Gary, I just shrugged it off and simply told him that I was not interested. For that reason, Gem and I became close and eventually started liking each other. Gary, on the other hand, realizing that there was no hope, left me alone and stopped courting me. But it wasn’t that easy.

Gem then told me how much he regretted it when he wasn’t able to tell me earlier what he really felt. But although he liked me so much, he said that he just couldn’t be involved with me. Doing so, according to him, would appear that he was betraying his best friend. He told me that Gary still loves me and he didn’t want him to get hurt. He can’t afford losing Gary’s trust and friendship. Gem kept on sending me missed signals and it made me really confused. Although I like him so much, I didn’t give in to my emotions because his real intentions were not clear. I don’t want to invest into something which might lead to nowhere. But despite all this, we both knew that the feeling was mutual, only that, we were both having difficulty coming into terms with the situation.

But the worst part was yet to come. My friend asked me if there was really something going on between me and Gem. I denied it because there was really nothing to tell. I told her that I felt Gem was courting me but I was not sure whether to take him seriously or not. My friend, probably not content with what I said, came up to Gem without my knowledge and asked the same question. What he told my friend really hurt and wounded my ego. I learned from her that Gem denied that he was courting me and said that he was just being nice to me for the sake of Gary. I thought that there was really something special going on between us. But I was wrong.

I never really confronted him regarding the matter. It was better this way than risking myself and be hurt all over again. I started avoiding him and began acting cold and distant. He was really surprised with my actions but I didn’t care. He deserved it, anyway. The last time we talked over the phone, I was really surprised when he told me that he knew the reason I was acting strange toward him and that was because of something what my friend had told me. I denied it and told him that my friend had nothing to do with it. He told me not to believe any of those things but I was too stubborn to listen to him. He never called me since then.

It has been two months since our last conversation and I’m starting to miss him. I do have my pride and it will really kill me to make the first move. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me softening toward him. After all, I was the one who was hurt and he was the one who led me on. Am I wrong not to give him a chance to explain his side? Whom shall I believe? I am truing to forget him but it is not that easy since until now I am still wondering if those very words really came from the person whom I have learned to trust and like very much. Did he really like me or was just playing a game at my expense?

ARIANNE

Sometimes, the difficult of being a woman is not being too forward in vague relationships. A lot of men are afraid to show their feelings. They are not too vocal about their sentiments either. They send confusing signals that are quite difficult, if not too presumptuous, to interpret.

Your friendship with Gem deserves the benefit of an honest-to-goodness dialogue. Relying on the acting upon information from a third party which may sometimes be inaccurate can have devastating results. A person’s interpretation of the emotion of someone else can be different and may not always be reflective of his true feelings. Talking to Gem doesn’t mean that you are softening toward him. It just means that you value the importance of an open and honest communication which leads to better understanding.

A lot of relationships fail to blossom because people are afraid to express their feelings. They love to give meaning to unspoken signals and judge a person’s actions without looking beyond what might have driven them to act that way. They tell others but not the person involved and soon, they suffer in silence, unmindful of the storm that they stir inside them. Each unspoken word and repressed feeling feed energy to this stir of emotions that may one day just explode and destroy the very relationship people are trying to build together.

Communication is the lifeblood of every relationship. We should not be afraid to ask questions and to answer truthfully when there are queries. Only when we are honest with ourselves and those around us can we see beyond the smile or the frown. Only when we listen with our hearts can we understand the meaning of silence and hear the words that are never spoken.

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she feels miserable with her failed relationships

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES
Published June 24, 2001



Dear Joe,

Just call me Bea. I’m a fourth year nursing student from a prestigious medical institute. I sent you a letter because I want to express my loneliness.

I’m the youngest in a brood of six. My mom passed away a few months ago. And my dad is looking for a new wife. My sisters are happily settled with their own families. On every family reunion, my family expects to see me “with someone special.” But they’ve always been disappointed because until now there hasn’t been anyone.

I fell in love with my childhood sweetheart when I was 16 and he was a year older. We were the best of friends. He was teacher’s enemy #1 while I was the topnotcher from elementary to high school. My family and relatives didn’t like him at first but I was able to finally convince them to accept him.

Then I found out that he and my best friend had an affair. I was devastated. For months, I cried each day. My grades went down. And out of rebellion, I gave my virginity to someone I barely know. I learned to smoke and drink alcohol. I slept with other guys.

Though it wasn’t easy, I picked the pieces of my life with the help of my family. I regained the friendship of old and true friends who never condemned me for what I did. I confined myself to my books and guitar, where I found peace of mind.

Right now, I’m living in a dorm and trying to have a life again. But sometimes, I find myself still pondering on the question: Am I not good enough? I don’t really understand why I feel this way. People say I should not be lonely because I’m very intelligent, smart, beautiful and has a good sense of humor.

Every time I try to get into a relationship, it always fails. I’m so tired of waiting for that “someone” who’ll wipe my tears away. What if that “someone” doesn’t exist? What if that “someone” comes along at a time when my heart is already exhausted? Does it always have to happen at the wrong time and place? Or is something wrong with me?


BEA


Bea, being miserable in love doesn’t always mean that there is something not right about you. The worst can happen even to the best of people whose only mistake was loving too much and leaving nothing to themselves. It is only in a relationship when two halves don’t make a whole, only two wholes make one perfect body.

Being inspired when love runs smoothly can be the best high one can ever get in a relationship. But, depending too much on someone for our completeness will take a serious toll on us when that person decides to leave. Most of the time, we become like little helpless children, longing for directions and guidance.

It is all right to feel complete when we are with someone. But when that person goes, we should not feel worthless because we are still who we are. Nothing has changed, except for the fact that we’re all by ourselves. Yes, we may be alone and lonely but that doesn’t mean that we are not worthy of being loved or finding love again.

Bea, I’m glad that you are back on your feet again. Our mistakes can be our greatest teachers. You have learned your lesson well. Now, you have to stop asking why you had to go through all of these. Our trials in life are part of a cleansing process that will make us better and stronger persons. You must have been with the wrong people at most of the wrong times. But there will definitely be a right time for the right person. Let us remember that sometimes, the people who make us smile are the very same people who will make us cry. And our tears can either become a flood that will destroy us or a precious water that will bring life to withered emotions.

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she can't let go of an ex-boyfriend whom she met eight years ago

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES

Published May 20, 2001

Dear Joe,

Call me Shielou. I am 20 years old and a third year college student here in Manila. Let me take you back to my second year in high school. My aunt’s househelp went on vacation and didn’t come back. So she decided to recruit helpers from Samar.

After a couple of weeks, the helpers arrived: one houseboy named Wilfred and househelp named Letlet. I got along well with them and even treated them like friends. Wilfred always cracked jokes and I often laughed with him. One day, he admitted that he felt something for me but he was hesitant to say so. We were not compatible intellectually and financially. But after a few days, he courted me. I found myself falling for him and that was the start of our secret love affair. We almost forgot ourselves one night when only the two of us were left in the house but I refused and I didn’t give in to his lustful desires. He asked me to elope with him. I told him to wait until I was old enough.

I really believe that love is blind. He was not good-looking and he only finished grade six. I was thinking that if we end up together, we will not be able to survive and send our children to school. In spite of all these, I still loved him. He was my first love and probably would be my last. Eight years have passed and up to now, I still can’t forget him. Two months ago, we took our vacation in Samar and I saw him again. He’s married and they’re expecting a baby in December. I was so hurt. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. there are guys who are courting me but I don’t take them seriously because I couldn’t find someone like Wilfred. What should I do to forget him? How should I react if someone would come out and tell everyone about our affair? I belong to a well-known and rich family while Wilfred comes from a very simple family. How would I explain it to my family and friends? Should I deny him? Please help me.


SHIELOU


People who have loved deeply would know that letting go isn’t always easy. Some people have a way of locking someone in their hearts for a long time, holding on to some hope that one day they can be together again.

Each day, as they wait, is filled with silent and empty longing. They shy away from others who try to break the walls they have built around themselves. They live and survive but deep inside they are lonely and miserable. Shielou, your secret affair has been buried for eight long years and I honestly don’t see any reason why you have to tell everyone about it. You simply have to learn to accept your fate and forget Wilfred. You cannot live on memories alone even if these bring warm and pleasant thoughts. Memories can slowly trap us in our own world of empty hope and broken promises. Shielou, you cannot open a new chapter in your life without closing the previous one. Nothing lasts in this temporary world we live in. everything that is born dies. Even the people we love go away for good. That is why there is always a time for good-bye. It is sad word but it is the only thing that keeps the past where it should belong. When we say good-bye we put an end to what has begun. When we let go, we give ourselves the reason to live a new life and find the real love that has been kept away from us by the crippling memories of the past.

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she always get into love triangles

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES
Published November 11, 2001

Dear Joe,

I have always listened to your program, but I never thought I’d write to you one day. I’m sure you’ve encountered stories about love triangles but it would really mean a whole lot to me if you feature my story.

Several years back I met Jaymee. My friend Marla invited me to a dance party without telling me that her boyfriend Stephen was coming with us. Not knowing who we were going to be with, I immediately said yes. At the time I was going steady with Ricky, but I did not tell him about the party because I wanted to be alone. I felt Ricky was doing something behind my back.

Marla’s cousins were kind enough to dance with me, but I still felt left out. I sat down for a while when suddenly a guy in a baseball jersey and jeans asked me to dance. Boy! Was he great! His name was Jaymee and we instantly connected. He took me home after the party and it was like we’d known each other for a long time. We were already holding hands. Jaymee was very compassionate, very expressive and very gentle. I felt a certain spark that night after the party. Ricky never made me feel that way.

I tried to convince myself that what happened between Jaymee and I that night was a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing. I even thought of using Jaymee so I could see Ricky, whom my parents never really liked. Jaymee started calling me, but I found out he was committed to someone else. I thought everything would stop, but Jaymee kept denying his relationship with the other girl although his friends told me differently.

Jaymee and I had no serious commitment because it was just not possible. I knew he loved his girlfriend more than he loved me although he said otherwise. After thinking about it for while, I decided to let him go. He said he would respect my decision even if he did not agree with it.

I cried when he started singing, “You’re feeling kinda lonely, girl, would you like someone new to talk to?” “sharing the Night Together” was our first favourite song. When he saw the tears in my eyes, he stopped and said, “I will always love you.”

The way we ended things was very dramatic. I never thought loving someone could be so complicated. Falling in love with the wrong person could only bring so much pain. I still miss him. I smile every time I hear the song “Sharing the Night Together” because it always remind me of him. I will always love him. How do I pick up the broken pieces of my heart?

BROOKES

It seems that you are prone to getting into emotional triangles. First your boyfriend Ricky and then Jaymee. You very well know that they both have other girls but you still got involved with them, well, maybe not for long, but certainly long enough to cause you pain and disappointment. A lot of people say “always” when they say “I love you” to someone. They sound so sure that what they have will last for eternity. Most of those who thought their feelings would not change often wake up in disbelief that what they thought would last forever was already gone.

I honestly believe that you deserve better than Ricky or Jaymee. Someone who believes that happiness is looking after the needs of the people close to his heart. Someone who values the feelings of others. I’m glad you finally decided to get out of Ricky and Jaymee’s vicious game of love. It’s a fresh new start and I hope that you won’t fall into the same trap again. Be a little more careful in getting involved with any man so that you won’t have to disentangle yourself again from a web of passionate and crippling emotions.

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refusing to love from a distance

JOE D MANGO’S LOVENOTES
Published March 23, 2003

Yes, he is a perfect gentleman but he is still the person who gave me false hope. I can never be sure that he is actually here to stay…

Dear Joe,

Two summers ago, I was introduced to the most influential person in my life. There he was – 135 pounds of pure masculinity and a million-dollar smile. I was barely 15 then so I responded the way most teenagers would – I tried to beam as brightly as I could. Apparently, that did the trick. We started going out soon after. I found out that he was 19 but he never seemed to mind that I was 14. You could always find us hopping around the streets of Malate, Makati, doing what sweethearts normally do – and more. We just seem to fit together snugly like any jigsaw puzzle.

He was more than a boyfriend. He was my Spanish tutor, dancing partner, guitar mentor, driving instructor, fashion consultant, even my spiritual director. Even though it was never my nature to allow anyone to breach my defenses, I let my guard down, let him through, and allowed him to be deeply involved in every aspect of my being. From then on, he has been the driving force of my life, my source of strength and inspiration. I was doing even better in school.

Inevitably, it wasn’t meant to last. He broke the news to me a few days before his graduation, nine months after our first meeting. We were both so excited about him finally finishing college and getting hands on the family business. He was indeed taking over their business, but it turned out that he had to leave the country to do so. I was dazed. I told him that it was no choice at all and that I’d rather have him with me or not have him at all. He accepted it. He called the day he was to leave and asked me to drive him to the airport. I declined, simply because I knew it would be too painful for me. I didn’t want a long distance relationship. There are just too many risks and too few guarantees.

So I went on with my life, or at least what’s left of it. I tried so hard to get him out of my system but it was impossible, since he sent me e-mail frequently. I never sent a reply. What’s the use? He’s never coming back. Or that’s what I thought.

Just last February, he gave me one hell of a surprise. When I went home that morning, I saw his car parked in front of our place. I just go past the gate when I heard somebody call my name. Still preoccupied with my thoughts, I turned to see him standing there.

He said he’d never be back. I wasn’t able to say anything. He noticed this and took the initiative to ask about me, how I had been these past few years. He said he didn’t really want to run their business after all, and that his dad could still do the job. After a few more awkward moments, he said he’d be leaving already. He said he had been waiting since the previous night and that he was beginning to think I changed my address. He gave me his Valentine stuff and left me feeling the earth spinning 10 times faster.

Now I do not know what to do. I don’t know what to tell him every time he calls. I’m starting to run out of excuses. I’m not yet ready for another confrontation. It’s just that I have resigned myself to the idea that he will never be involved in my life, ever. And now this. Yes, he is nice, and a perfect gentleman and everything. But he is still the person who gave me false hope. I can’t be sure that he is actually here to stay.

Sincerely,
Carol

Dear Carol,

Thank you for sharing your sentiments with us. When we get involved in a serious relationship, we dwell on the thought of sharing and keeping it forever. We work on making it stronger so that it will last. For most couples, being in a relationship means being together physically but there are times when circumstances work against them and bring on the challenge of loving from a distance.

There are many like you, who don’t feel comfortable being away from the people they love, especially if the separation means being gone for a long time. But then, I believe that these barriers are strong measures of love, fidelity and dedication. And your friend proved it. He came back to let you know that he made a choice. Something that he might have expected you to be happy about.

Carol, you are allowing your fear to ruin your chance of finding love and keeping it. It is there, knocking on your door. But you are afraid that it will just be another transient visitor. If you don’t have the courage to face the risk of losing him again then you will never be able to experience love. For only those who are brave enough to risk getting hurt are the only ones who find their true destiny.

It isn’t too late, Carol. When you like someone you should not bother to conceal it. Just let your friendship shine and glow. Often, good is done when we let a person know that he or she is special to us. True love knows no fear. If you believe in something beautiful, then it is always worth the risk.

Let us always remember that those who are afraid of what love bring never find it, and only those who are not afraid of getting hurt are the ones who keep it.

Joe

our christmas gift

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES



Our whole life crumbled when I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I’m only 30 years old; how could this happen?

Dear Joe,

It was my husband who prodded me to write you our “Christmas story.”

Jon and I were college sweethearts. We were quite a pair. We got married middle of last year after eight years of going steady. There were rough times during those years but not enough to cause even a cool-off period. A few months before the wedding, though, I had second thoughts. The pre-wedding jitters got to me. I felt scared to face a new family life.

A month after our wedding, I went to see an ob-gynecologist to have an ordinary check up. Examination revealed that I had an endometrial cyst that would mean a difficult pregnancy. I was stunned since I’d never felt anything except the pre-menstrual pain common among many women. Another ob-gynecologist confirmed the result and added that I also have a myoma. She suggested that I undergo a three-month hormone therapy to decrease the size of the cyst and to schedule surgery for the first week of December. I had already gone through painful tests to assess my chances of getting pregnant, but the doctor said nothing was final until the operation, although he insinuated that I had a slim chance at motherhood.

Joe, I prayed to God to give us the chance to have a baby – that was my Christmas wish. The day of the operation came. The doctor told us that we had a great chance of having a baby since half of my left ovary was still functioning well, even if the other half had been removed.

When we went back after a week, the doctor said, “Okay na sana kaya lang may problema.” Joe, our whole life crumbled when I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. We were shocked. I suddenly felt numb and couldn’t speak a word. I’m only 30 years old, Joe, how could this happen? I asked the doctor about my chances of pregnancy. She said I could get pregnant but then my life would be at risk. I told her I’d willingly sacrifice my life as long as she can assure me my baby would survive. Those words stunned her and Jon. She said things are not that easy and when my health deteriorates, even in the fifth month of pregnancy, they would have to abort my baby to save me. She consulted a cancer specialist who suggested that I be brought back to the hospital for completion surgery. Joe, cancer is a very aggressive disease; they wanted to prevent it from spreading to my vital organs.

Three days before Christmas I had my second operation. We spent our first Christmas in the hospital. I had my first chemotherapy treatment after the new year. Soon, my hair started to fall off. I couldn’t help but cry. During those times it was emotionally, physically and financially draining.

I had no one to turn to but God. I begged him for my life. I wanted to survive this ordeal for Jon. God knows I love him so much, Joe, and that I am not ready to leave him just yet. The whole course of treatment was finished last June. Several tests were done after that and up to now I’m being closely monitored.

Joe, God has been so kind. He gave me another opportunity to live. It’s been a year now since my first operation and we were looking forward to our second Christmas, but before it even filled the air, I received the greatest gift anyone could ask for – the gift of a second life. To your readers who may have sorrows of their own, count your blessings instead, have faith in God and believe that miracles happen to those who believe in them.

Thank you, Joe, for letting me share this with you.

Always,
Marge


Dear Marge,

This holiday season is the time of year when most of us seem to get carried away y the frenzy and bustle of Yuletide preparations.

But, if we stop for a while and think, the story shared with us today is all about putting Christ back in Christmas; Jesus is the reason for the season. It’s the time to ask forgiveness and to forgive those who have wronged us. It’s about reconciling with those whom we have bitterly broken ties with. It’s all about taking hatred away for our hearts and replacing it with love and compassion. It’s all about sacrificing to give others what they need. It is about giving without asking something in return. Most of all, it is about thanking God for giving us His only Son Jesus so that there could be Christ in Christmas as we all know it.

Many of us may be lingering in sorrow right now. But whether it’s a matter of money, concern about a relationship, worry about sickness, or grief over the loss of a loved one, there would always be a reason to be thankful this Christmas. God gave us His immeasurable love. He gave us His greatest blessing, the blessing of life. The fact that we are able to breathe, to listen and to understand this message should give us more than enough purpose to live. Let us never forget to count our simple blessings because if we do, we’ll be surprised to realize that life isn’t that bad at all. That there is a reason to be happy because there is a Christmas and He is the one who will make the big difference.

Joe

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