Affair of the Third Kind

Joe D' Mango's LOVENOTES

Dear Joe,

Your program has been famous in offices where I have worked with. Through those years it seemed a habit on Fridays to put the dial on your channel when 10:00am strikes. I never thought I could even have the courage to come to you now and share my piece of a little less than normal story.

Call me Mykie. I am a lesbian. Working as an engineer in one of the biggest property developing copany in the country. We are all girls in the family. Back in elementary, I noticed that I get more attracted to girls than I was to boys. I guess I brought that along with me as I breezed through my adolescent years. When I decided to study engineering, it was not because I fancied mathematics or that sort but rather it gave me a certain thrill knowing that engineering was the type of course that was more masculine.

While in college, my parents brought me to stay in an all girl dormitory, with curfews as early as 6PM. At first I thought it was a bore. Until the second semester of my freshmen year when I met Gayle. That time, Gayle was in her second year of her Political Science course. She was new in the dormitory and we shared the same cubicle. That means her bed is just 2 feet away from mine. Anyway, she was nice and we seem to share a lot of common interests. Soon we started cooking food together, eat together do our studies at the study hall together. I thought I could only feel friendship for her until that moment she held my hand. I didn't know what came over me Joe, but at that instance I knew then that I was feeling something different towards her. When we locked eyes, it seemed to me as if she mirrored all the emotions I was feeling inside. That semester was over and summer classes started. I was all the more confused with my identity, my personality and all. It was really a struggle trying to stay away from her. Most of all I didn't want her to know what it was that I felt inside for fear that I may be rejected and scorned. But the more I tried to stay away, the closer she gets to be with me. Until that summer day when I ran out of objective reasoning, I slipped and told her I love her and she means a lot to me. I was expecting her to get mad and tell me to get lost. But I didn't hear any of those words Joe. Gayle just smiled at me and said she felt the same. It was the sweetest smile I could ever picture from her and from that day on, I knew I was never the same again.

She would sometimes sleep in our house and it was just a wonderful feeling being with her. Soon, my family started to notice our extra sweetness and they vowed to pull us apart. But I stood strong for Gayle. I knew at some point I have hurt them but in all of my youth I have devoted myself to become the good partner for Gayle and at the same time, the good daughter to my parents. I guess Gayle and I weathered a lot of storms together because our partnership was rooted on friendship. we always believed we have each other. it was a partnership that was so important to both of us. During all those years, we have kept an open line. We shared each other's deepest secrets. Even our crushes towards the same or the opposite sex. We are each other's best friend. We built our dreams together but, wonderful as it may seem, it was about to end in due time.

Almost three years ago, Gayle left for the states via a petition from her parents. It was the day I was afraid to face. Thanks to the internet, communicating with her was a lot easier. In November last year, I began to notice the rarity of her emails. She stopped telling me she loves me. Normally, she won't say goodbye without telling me she loves and misses me. I kept my cool until that day she wrote me that note. There was this guy she has been exchanging emails with. She told me she has fallen for him. She also longs to have a normal family someday. She knew I would be hurt but she just wanted to be honest with me. I wrote the pain in my heart in a letter expressing how much she meant to me, how much I loved her all these years. That in all my life I have thanked the Lord everyday for her.

Three months after, on our 15th year anniversary, she told me that it will always be just the two of us. Only then was I able to breath a sigh of relief. I thought I gained her back. And so I went on being the caring, trusting and understanding partner I have always been for Gayle. At times she would call me up to say how empty and lonely she was inside. I'll cheer her up by singing her a song or remind her how strong she has always been. I would tell her that I'll always be around no matter what happens.

Another three months passed and I got a call from her, excited as I was, I took her call at dawn on a Monday morning and I said hi and that I miss her. Joe, her answer cut me so deep. She told me, she met this guy Daniel, and she instantly fell in love. They have dated and kissed and God knows what else Joe, that was about 3:00 in the morning. I felt my blood went up to my head. But I still managed to put the receiver down slowly. The following days tortured the deepest sections of my soul. I felt like I was dead. I cried at night. I prayed, then cried, then prayed again. Four mornings after, I got an early call from her asking me how I was. I could have bombarded her with endless questions of why's and the where have I gone wrong, but though my voice was shaking, I managed to just say its over. I decided to help her out by putting an end to her confusion. Even when it hurt so much Joe, I had to say goodbye. That she can be finally free and go out to, without having to worry about me. Joe, it was so hard not to beg her to stay. I also told her I'm cutting all the stings left between us. I begged Gayle to stop calling me and stop writing me anymore because I needed to heal myself. I told her that I loved her very much even when it meant letting go. She said she was so sorry she caused me so much pain and grief. I just answered, "no apologies, no regrets."

Today Joe, I'm so far from getting over her. My heart is still mending, my soul is still healing. I am struggling to be happy quietly in spite of my grief. The hardest part is learning how to reprogram my life without her, to plan a new life on my own now. Yet inside me, I feel no bitterness towards Gayle. I could only thank God for a moment in my life, He has blessed me with someone like Gayle. I had the rich experience of loving and being loved. Maybe I owe Gayle her chance to find out what it meant having a normal relationship, a normal life. I should be happy for her. She gave me 15 years, and for that I could only be grateful. As for me, I'm opening my heart to the Lord to remake me. I can't pretend to be fine because I'm not fine.

Thank you for giving my story a chance to be heard. Loving, even when it hurts, is one of the greatest experience one may ever have during this lifetime. A friend of mine sent me this note and with all my feelings and conviction, I know what it meant. "The things you fear, you will face one day. The things you love, you will lose one day. Do what you have to do and make the most of every moment. Life is too short, so be happy always."

Sincerely,

Mykie

P.S. I am interested to meet new friends and expand my pool of acquaintances. I can be reached at my email address: mykie32@yahoo.com

Dear Mykie,

I know of many women like you who have vowed to live their lives according to what they believe they have been destined to. We have heard of lesbian relationships that have lasted for years. Beautiful stories that go beyond the limits of what society considers natural. There are couples who grow old in partnerships founded on genuine friendship and love.

I have always believed that no one is in a position to judge homosexuals in their quest for what they justify as normal relationships. The love that they feel for their partners cannot be mistaken for anything else because it is the same kind of affection that any of us would feel for the opposite sex. The passion, the intensity and the genuineness of that feeling are the same, except that the other is focused to someone of the same sex, in a relationship that our society doesn't explicitly condone.

Mykie, in any kind relationship, regardless of its nature, there would sometimes be moments when one wakes up to a realization that he or she is no longer capable of living up to his or her side of the bargain. There is no permanence in human relationships. It is only our bond with God that will remain unchanged. Gayle lived several beautiful years of her life with you and she thought it was perfect. But when she came out in the open, she realized who she really was and what she really wanted to be. That was her moment of realization, but it was your moment of loss.

Affairs of the third kind don't always have happy endings not because what the couples shared wasn't love but because they are sharing that love for the wrong reasons. God has created man and woman to complement each other in a relationship that will eventually find its fulfillment in a family. God never intended a man to have a family with another man, or a woman with another woman, for that matter.

Mykie, everything that happens in our lives is a calling from God. Even during the most difficult times, God works in us to strengthen and make us better persons. There is nothing crooked that HE cannot straighten. There is no mistake that HE cannot forgive. There is no life that HE cannot change. All of us are cleansed in a process of pain that may sometimes seem unbearable. But God never fails to give us the courage to go through it.

Mykie, it's true. Life is too short. Don't waste it in tears and misery. Be happy, for no matter how many times we fall, God will always give us a fresh start in finding the right person, the right way, in the right relationship.

Joe

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after 17 years, he still blames himself for his girlfriend's death

Joe D Mango’s LOVE NOTES

Published July 8, 2001

Dear Joe,

They say that time heals all wounds. For me, however, that cliché always lacked what every wound leaves after it has healed. Wounds always leave you with scars, and this is what my story is all about.

I’m a successful businessman and I own a chain of computer shops all around the metropolis. Aside from keeping fit, my business is what keeps me busy. My friends tell me that I’m nice-looking but definitely not a movie-star material.

My story happened in college. I was a brash fourth-year engineering student at the University of the Philippines when I met Lalaine at one of our fraternity events. She was simple, sweet and had the most haunting eyes I have ever seen. Luckily, one of my friends knew her and introduced me.

After that night, all I could do was think of her. Every day, I’d make up an excuse to go to her college though I had no subjects there just so I could to get a glimpse of her. She would always acknowledge me when she saw me but never seemed to notice that I belonged to a different college or what I was doing there. I knew her phone number but I haven’t mustered up the courage to call her because she was not the one who gave it to me but my friend.

A month had passed by when, suddenly, as if by some miracle, I answered the phone and I found myself talking to Lalaine at the other end. It seemed that she was having difficulty in one of her Math subjects and she was looking for somebody to help her. Our common friend casually mentioned my name and so she called me to help with Calculus. That started what I’d like to call our “sparring” moments.

Despite the needed guidance in Mathematics, she was a smart girl and we would talk about almost anything and everything under the sun. We would talk for hours and end up studying for only about 30 minutes. We mostly disagreed on things, and I called it “sparring” because to the exchange of ideas. Sometimes I felt that we’d disagree on a subject because that would make it a more interesting discussion.

Nearing the end of the semester, we were walking along the Sunken Garden when she suddenly slipped and held on to me. She was laughing while holding on to me, when I suddenly blurted out the three words I have been keeping inside me for the past months. She stopped laughing, looked at me in the eye and said, “What took you so long to say it?” and then she smiled and we kissed.

Since that moment, we were rarely apart. We had the kind of a relationship that most people describe as a fairy tale come true. We fit like a tee. I had never been so happy in my life. Her parents accepted me and my parents accepted her. I couldn’t think anything or anyone who wanted our relationship to end. We argued, yes, but like in the past, those were just a “sparring” moments for us. There were even times when we’d talk about what our life would be after we got married.

Days and weeks and months passed by and before we knew it, we graduated from college. She worked as a research assistant in one of the leading networks here in the country while I reviewed for the board exams. I guess all relationships have to go through a storm and that was ours. We couldn’t seem to fit our schedules together. We never fought about it but it was always there.

When the results of the board exams came out, I was ecstatic. I was one of the topnotchers. My parents gave me a party. I was really hoping that Lalaine would be there to celebrate with me but she was given an important assignment that would give her the chance to be a field reporter. It was already 3 a.m. when Lalaine came. I was drunk and disappointed. Lalaine and I had our worst fight.

We never talked about that night. She never came to see me again. She left me – and is never coming back. Her car was rammed by a dump truck. The autopsy reported severe head injuries, but what really got me was the fact that she was three months pregnant. I lost her and my baby.

Nobody is blaming me but I am blaming myself.

That story happened 17 years ago. I have had other relationships, but to no avail. God knows how I’ve tried to pick up the pieces and move on but I can’t see myself with anyone else but Lalaine.

Rudy

Dear Rudy,

You may live your life of regret for as long as you want, until you can no longer hold your breath until you bring the memories of Lalaine to your own grave. Life is a matter of choice. There can never be anyone else in your life because you choose not to have one.

I don’t blame you for feeling responsible for Lalaine’s death. If you felt that it was your fault her car was rammed by the truck then maybe, you’re right. But then again, you don’t have to carry that burden of guilt all your life. I don’t think that choosing to become miserable is the best way to pay back what you owed Lalaine.

Live your life to the fullest and strive to become happy. We all make mistakes that sometimes have irreparable consequences. You cannot steal time and undo the hurt that could have caused Lalaine’s accident. But you can make the best out of the time that is left. You have drowned yourself in 17 years of remorse. I honestly believe that you have already served your sentence long enough.

Maybe the only way to pay back is to love again. Love again with all your heart just like the way you loved Lalaine. Learn form the lessons of the past and don’t let pride ever get in the way of your relationship. Love like you have never loved before. Somewhere, somehow, a part of that love will fly to where Lalaine is and wipe away her tears that never stopped falling ever since you blamed yourself for her sudden demise.

Joe

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a married woman falls for a priest who is now avoiding her

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES

Published March 11, 2001

Dear Joe,

My marriage has been shaky because of my husband’s inability to hold a job and his irresponsibility. On top of that, about five years ago, he got hooked on drugs.

I am active in church and last year, I met someone who showered me with the love and affection I had been longing for all these years. He loved my kids and my kids adored him. From the start, this guy asked me if we could be together in the future, to which I said, “Probably.” We hit it off because our lines of communication were always open.

So we became lovers. But the problem is he’s a priest. Now I am paying the price because lately he has stopped being thoughtful and caring. I wrote telling him to pursue the priesthood because it is easier for me to lose him to God than to someone else. He has not responded to my text messages and card nor has he said a word about the gifts I sent. In fact, I learned that he gave away one of my gifts.

I know our relationship was never right but we still went on. Up to now, I am still in love with him. We haven’t had a chance to talk yet so I don’t really know how he feels. How can I forget him when we regularly see each other in church?

I need your advice on how to go about this struggle. I have no one to confide because we move around with the same people. Thanks and congratulations to Wave 89.1.

BEL

Bel, many of us come to a point in our marriages when we want to give on our spouses for differences that we find difficult to compromise. I may sound too condoning when I tell you to hang on to your irresponsible husband because he shouldn’t be and you have all the right to be well taken care of. But Bel, all marriages have their cracks that, when left unattended, can cause irreparable breakage.

Your husband’s inability to keep a job and his irresponsibility may be attributed to his drug dependence and a lot of other factors. This may seem like an unacceptable and unforgivable behaviour but I believe he still is capable of change. Turning your back on him is not the way to fix your marriage.

Many of us tend to run away from issues in our marriages that seem impossible to resolve. Our refusal to understand, fear, pride and selfishness are the basic enemies of relationships. Many marriages fail because spouses refuse to look objectively at their problems and resort to finger-pointing and stubborn denial and unacceptance of their own faults.

Bel, whatever it was that happened between you and the priest, let it remain a figment of your past. Don’t be misled by false emotions that disguise themselves as redeeming solutions to distressed relationships.

He stopped because he knew what you had was wrong. It’s about time you realize the same.

Marriages will always be emotional battle fields. I hope that your story would remind everyone that we would love our families and remain faithful to our spouses, in spite of their sometimes unacceptable behaviour. Remember, it is the time when they are most unlovable that we would love them even more. It is the time when they are most unreasonable that we should be more understanding. It is the time when they need us that we should be there for them and not for someone else. The solution to our problems is not outside of marriage. They can only be resolved within, free from any external influences. In spite of all the temptations that threaten to ruin our relationships, let us always remain steadfast and faithful to people we have vowed to love so we can keep our marriages and treasure them for a lifetime.

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