more important than money

Joe D Mango's LOVE NOTES
Published July, 2005

Dear Joe,

I met Carl four years ago when we started out as textmates. Carl is funny, thoughtful and sweet. Although he didn’t make it to college, he’s very responsible. He became my boyfriend four months later; everything was perfect. Sure, we had our disagreements, but we always managed to iron things out. I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and we started planning for our future. After all, we were not getting any younger.

Everything was going smoothly. Or so I thought. He told me that I didn’t have time for him anymore, that all I could think about was my family. That he waited for me to change from being too demanding and selfish, but in vain. Two months after proposing marriage, he broke up with me. I was shattered. I begged him to forgive me, to give me a chance. But he was adamant.

Joe, that’s not only the reason he broke up with me. It was also because his family couldn’t accept that I wanted to continue helping my family with my own income. You see, Joe, we’re not well-off like them, and I continue to take care of my father by visiting him every now and then.

Was I wrong to ask for that? But his family didn’t give me a chance. They cancelled the preparations for our wedding just like that. And Carl broke up with me, not in person, mind you, but over the phone, blaming it all on me. You know what hurts the most? His indecisiveness. He told me we would fight for our relationship, then the next day he said he’d decided to break up with me.

Yet I forgave him, still hoping he would realize he was making a mistake, that he would come back to me because he loved me just as I love him. We still communicate every now and then, but nothing has changed. Help me, Joe. I don’t know what to do anymore. Is it right for me to hold on? I want to know what you think.

Sincerely,
Sophia


Dear Sophia,

We all make promises that we sometimes cannot keep. Carl must have loved the thought of being with you, but I honestly believe that he never really loved the person in you. We all know that couples who get married embrace a total change of priorities, and family support issues become very sensitive matters of discussion and arguments.

Sophia, I know how much you want to have Carl back, but I don’t think he shares the same passion now. Your parents are lucky to have a daughter like you. You should find a person who will not take your responsibility against you but would even be proud of your commitment to your parents.

Money becomes an issue for many couples, whether they have an excess or lack of it. It even becomes more intense when it is shared with people outside the family circle. If Carl chooses not to marry you for this reason, then there should be no reason to marry him, either.

Let us always remember that love should never be a function of money. Money, for all its practicalities, is important, but there are far more important reasons why people choose to marry than money. Love encompasses who we were, who we are and who will be. Love never looks at our past, nor does it change who we are today. Love simply accepts and makes the most of what it has. It never measures, never compares and never judges. Love simply loves without the conditions and that’s how love truly should be.

Joe

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a letter from a friend

Joe D Mango’s LOVE NOTES
Published July 27, 2003

I have kept this for fear of losing your friendship. But I just can’t go on loving you without letting you know…

I would like to share with you a letter from a friend. They say that it’s difficult to be a woman because you cannot express yourself the way a man can. When you feel something for a man, you just can’t shout it out because many people would tell you not to. When a woman falls in love with a friend, it becomes doubly difficult because the friendship is put at risk. More often than not, she would just keep her feelings to herself rather than letting the other person know and lose him in the end. It has always been said that the worst way to miss someone is when you’re sitting right beside him and cannot have him.

I know many women would find it unacceptable to be the first to spill out their feelings but sometimes it’s the only way to find closure in a relationship that has been standing undefined for a long time. It is in the courage that she found to write and personally give this letter that we care. And if we do, it should not matter if the other person reciprocates our feeling because what matters most is not that we have failed, but that we have loved and given unselfishly.

Dear Matt,

I know you will find this a bit unusual. I honestly can’t remember the last time I sent you a Christmas card. Two, three years ago? But it’s not Christmas now, yet I have this unexplainable urge to tell you something that I have been keeping inside for the longest time. You know I’m not really good when it comes to pouring out my feelings. We have been friends for a long time and I can’t thank God enough for giving me someone to share the most beautiful eight years of my life with. You see, this is where it all started.

When I met you, I never thought we’d be this close. I thought it will just be like that forever. I guess somewhere along the way, I learned to anchor my hopes on something which I wasn’t sure I was supposed to feel in the first place. I don’t even know if it is right to tell you this but God knows how much pain I have been through just keeping this from you. I thought it was just fine to remain friends but every single moment that we have tried my best to show my feelings. My silence spoke a thousand times louder but I guess it never reached you. I need to tell you this, Matt. Otherwise, I will forever be trapped in my world of make-believe.

I guess it would be an understatement to say that “I love you” because I don’t – I love you with all my life and my soul. I am not telling you this because I want you to love me in return. Selfish as it may seem, I think I owe this to myself. I just need to let you know how much you mean to me. I hope this won’t change the way we are to each other. I have kept this for fear of losing your friendship. But I just can’t go on loving you without letting you know. You will always be my friend and you will always be special. Finally I have broken my silence.

I love you, friend.



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is she waiting in vain?

Joe D Mango’s LOVE NOTES

Published January 15, 2006

Could it be he’s just giving me false hopes so he won’t feel guilty about the fact that he was wrong? Some will find this pathetic, but I still love him…

Dear Joe,

I am Toni, 23, from Manila. Miguel was my boyfriend back when we were college freshmen. I used to have a crush on him because he’s really cute and smart. But everything changed when he had to drop out of school to help out at home. I had so much to do, lots of dreams to fulfil, and I was looking forward to graduating with honors. I thought this relationship would not help in any way, so I called it quits.

Even after we broke up he never stopped calling every day for almost half a year; he couldn’t understand why I decided to break up when everything was just about to begin. It even came to the point when I rejected his calls and told him that I didn’t love him.

After three long years we met again at my brother’s wake. Vulnerable as I was, I fell for him again. He was there to keep me company and to worry about me when my best friend was in the hospital. We were finally back together and we were both happy, or so I thought.

Joe, there came a time when I felt he was taking me for granted. I felt he didn’t want to be with me anymore. That he was just waiting for the right moment to make his graceful exit. But then again, I never complained about sacrificing a few hours of sleep when he needed me. Or that maybe he found the whole situation overwhelming. Or that every disapproving remark we heard from everyone around us was too much for him. I couldn’t help thinking that maybe he just wanted to get back at me for dropping him the first time. That maybe, it was all just a lie.

Joe, it has been almost a year since we were together. I never lost the love I had for him, and I still want him back. But he said the only time he can be ready to be with me is when he has proven himself worthy of my love. But I never asked for any of this. I’m not ready to let go.

Why does he always say that he’s not as happy as I think, because he loves me still, and that one day he will be back? Could it be he’s just giving me false hopes so he won’t have to feel guilty about the fact that he was wrong? Some will find this pathetic. But I still love him. And that reason alone is enough for me to hold on to his promise that he will return.

Sincerely,
Toni




Dear Toni,

I certainly hope that Miguel is reading this right now. What you are seeing is just icing on the cake. It’s what is truly behind what he says that truly behind what he says that matters. A man distances himself from a woman for a reason. Love doesn’t just die and feelings don’t just fade away. Miguel couldn’t have just fallen out of love. He wanted out because he wants to prove something to himself. He wants to be worthy of your love. These are all valid reasons, but could there be more?

Toni, I have always believed that unless two people in a relationship are able to openly tell each other what they feel inside, good or bad, they can never truly understand each other. It is important that Miguel tells you what he truly feels about you and your relationship. It is also his responsibility to tell you if you’d just be waiting in vain or if he just needs a little time. I also believe that love doesn’t make people wait. If we really love someone then we should not play with time and promises. If we don’t love a person anymore, then we just have to be honest about it, even if it hurts.

Toni, I don’t blame you for not wanting to let go. I think you are just being fair to yourself by waiting for something good to happen. Talk to Miguel and listen to his heart. If he honestly tells you what he feels, then let that be your guide. Waiting is the option that most people take, but sometimes they refuse to accept it even when it’s obvious that they are just waiting in vain.

Let us always remember that sometimes, we have to use our minds over our hearts when our feelings get too strong. When we think with our hearts, loving means clinging on when what we really need to do is let go, even if we still want to hold on.

Joe

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is it too late to start over?

Joe D Mango’s LOVE NOTES

Now, I’m HIV positive. And all I ever wanted was to be loved…

Dear Joe,

This is the first time that I’m really facing what I’ve been scared of all my life: my heart. My story is like Cinderella’s except it ahs a different ending. I was abandoned at birth by my father, maltreated by my own mother and siblings, and found only cruel classmates and friends who took advantage of me. But I do have a loving and caring stepfather.

I love my mother even if she didn’t love me back, and I prayed that she would hug and kiss me for all the good things I’ve done. But I just got so tired. Until now, she never treats me as a daughter. I wished I was never born and that I can close my eyes at night and not wake up. I wanted attention. I wanted to feel important.

I was in college when I finally learned how to be bad. It started with drinking and smoking and went on to secretly going to clubs and bars. My grandmother, who brought me up, would have freaked out. I went out of control, Joe. I broke my promise to my grandmother that I would stay pure and a virgin until I got married. Now she’s gone and I hate myself.

It happened on October 15, 2001 when I met this good-looking 25-year-old Fil-American disc jockey because of a free premiere night ticket. I didn’t know what got into me but it just happened. He was so nice and sweet that night. We lasted six months, with him texting me whenever he wanted sex, and I would come running. The feeling was strange, scary and exciting, and I felt alive. I thought he was the one, until I heard him say goodbye on-air because he was quitting his job to go back to LA and marry his girlfriend. And I thought he loved me. Suddenly, my world was sucked into a black hole. It felt empty, dark and abandoned.

Joe, I hated myself. But when I was just about to give up, Leslie came into my life and helped me make it through. I found a new man and the whole feeling of excitement came back. But like the first guy, he also broke my heart. I have been with eight different men in the last two years. And I still haven’t found what I have been looking for – love.

One of the guys I went out with left me with something else. I am HIV positive. Joe, I cannot understand why God allowed this to happen to me. All I ever wanted was to be loved. Now, I’m starting over, something that I should have done a long time ago. Now I realize that I can never find love unless I start loving myself. I’ve learned my lesson. It’s late but it’s okay, right? I tried to look for love in other people but I never knew that love has to start with me. Joe, I’m starting a new life. And when I find love again I know that I’ll be better. I know there is still hope.

Thess

Dear Thess,

Thank you for being brave enough to share the story of the life you’ve had in your search for love. It is a sad fact that many young people share your sentiments about their parents. Children who feel neglected and unloved search everywhere to find a place where they will be appreciated and accepted. This is a basic human need that many of us take for granted. Many of us are busy doing our own thing and fail to see that everyday, there are people trying to reach out to us.

Thess, I know you wanted nothing but love from men you were with. They probably made you believe that they were giving you what you’ve always longed for when they were, in fact, just using you.

Thess, there are times when we blame God for our misfortunes when they are of our own doing. God gave us the freedom to do as we wish. But he also gave us the responsibility for whatever our actions may bring. God may allow us to fall and suffer, but he would never abandon us when we fail.

You are starting a new life and that new life is a gift form God. Many of us take each day for granted, but for those whose days are numbered, every morning brings new hope and a new beginning. Thank you, Thess, for being strong for those who have given up. Let each morning be a day of blessing and gratitude. The end is just the beginning for those who believe and put their trust in the Lord.

Joe

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friendship, intimacy and jealousy

Joe D Mango’s LOVE NOTES

I’m doing everything to bring back our friendship, everything we once had. Please help me, Joe. I don’t want to lose her


Dear Joe,

I’m Anne, 20 years old, and presently working at one of the country’s respectable banking institutions. My story is quite unusual because it isn’t about a boy-girl relationship. It’s about a broken friendship. I met Joy a year ago; she was a freshman at a university in Manila, while I was a graduating student. She was my roommate, and I was instantly comfortable with her, maybe because I never had a sister. Our friendship grew deeper, Joe. She was the only person whom I shared my feelings with. We watched movies, ate out and attended concerts together.

Since I was already graduating that March, I spent more time with her. I went to her place in Bulacan almost every weekend to be with her. Joe, it was at this point that we started becoming intimate with each other. We kissed, hugged, and I suppose, we did everything. After that, we became touchy about our feelings, especially with friends. As time went by, we argued and fought about petty things.

Most of the time, I would start it. I always felt jealous of her friends. In the end, though, I would always be the first to apologize and cry. I also felt that she was trying to distance herself from me. I don’t really know why I felt this way, Joe, despite the fact that we were always together. After work, I’d pick her up in school and we’d eat snacks together. We even prayed the novena to St. Jude on Thursdays.

Last September, Joy got annoyed with something I did. I don’t know what got into me, but I followed her secretly when she went out to buy things for her project. I saw her call someone on her cell phone. I waited and watched her. After that incident, I wrote her a letter and revealed all I had done. She got so upset about it, Joe. Now everything’s changed. She forgave me, but I could no longer bring back the closeness we once shared. She seldom texts me now. She even refuses to touch me when we’re walking together. I’m doing everything to bring back our friendship, everything we once had. But I guess she has totally closed the door. Please help me, Joe, I don’t want to lose her.

Anne

Dear Anne,

It’s obvious that Joy is slowly inching away from you. You said it to yourself; it was because of your own doing. You have gone beyond being obsessive and your actions made her despise you.

Your sexual encounters shouldn’t have happened in the first place but both of you consciously allowed them to take place. You were extra close to each other but that doesn’t give either of you the right to own and control each other’s lives. She was back to her normal self but you were still hung up on your “friendly commitment.” You tried to control her life and you drove her away in the process.

Anne, I don’t think it is wise for you to be overly engrossed with the thought of winning and bringing her back. She deserves to live a life of her own just as much as you do. Keep your friendship special but don’t let it go beyond that.

Anne, for most people, fulfilment in life comes in having your own family. Start focusing on someone you can build a family with. Someone you can love freely without having to worry about what the world will say. Someone you can call your own and someone you can share your life with, beautifully and forever. Good luck and God bless you always.

Joe

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finally learning to let go

Joe D Mango’s LOVE NOTES

Dear Joe,

I’m Jamie, and this letter is long overdue because this happened five months ago. I met Jon in September when we were both new hires for our company. We kept seeing each other, and I got attracted to him. After a month, I found out that he liked me, too. I started avoiding him, but then we had a chance to talk intimately during our Christmas party and, unexpectedly, we kissed.


Then I got confused. Why did I let that happen? What about my boyfriend? To keep things from getting worse, I broke up with my boyfriend and told Jon that we should just be friends. Despite my decision, he didn’t stop pursuing me.

I decided to give him a chance. Every moment with him was bliss. Everything seemed to be going smoothly until someone came between us.

Jon and Sarah had something going long before I came along. But they didn’t have the chance to continue things because Sarah unexplainably drifted away until they lost touch. Now that our story had started, Sarah suddenly came back.

Jon told her that he already had a girlfriend, but Sarah persisted. She continued to act as his girlfriend, even introducing Jon to her family as her boyfriend. Jon felt trapped. He was also very open to me about what was happening so I felt confident that there was nothing to worry about.

Then suddenly, Jon broke up with me. He told me that he needed time to get out of the trap he was in. so I let him, hoping that he would soon come back to me. But he didn’t. I soon found out that Jon and Sarah were back together.

I wasn’t really surprised, but it hurt me so badly, Joe. To this day, I still cannot accept the fact that it’s over between us, but I’m having a hard time letting go. What’s wrong with me? How can I move on, Joe?

Sincerely,
Jamie


Jamie,

I have always said, time and again, that the hardest people to forget are the people we love. Only when we don’t love them anymore can we truly move on and explore the possibility of finding love again in the arms of someone else.

You said you’ve accepted that it’s over between you and Jon, but you still haven’t accepted that the guy you have loved so much is in love with someone else. Deep in your heart, you’re still wishing for his return. These thoughts keep you connected to Jon. Unless you are able to find a way to detach yourself from your wishful thoughts then it will be very difficult to move on.

Most of us live in the past even if it hurts because we would rather mourn over lost love than take the risk of loving again. We shut our eyes, ears and our hearts to people around us and to the hope of finding love again.

Jamie, we all have our own sad stories to tell. Others even have worst experiences with the people they have loved. But no matter how painful life and loving can be, God never fails to give us strength to bear it. He never fails to let the sun shine through even during the darkest and stormiest moments in our lives. He makes us cry, not to make us miserable, but to make us realize how important love is. And most of all, he takes away a person from us, not because we don’t deserve him but because he has someone better for us. That’s how it always works, Jamie. Give yourself a chance. You just have to believe that there is still life after losing love and sometimes, that life will be better because it can be shared with someone who’d love you more than anything else in this world.

Joe

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familiarity breeds reality

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES

Published February 9, 2003

Being together every single day, I began to see the real him. Now I’m torn between loving him as he is and leaving him before I suffer the same fate as my mom did with my dad…

Dear Joe,

I’m hiding under the name Becky. I’m 25 and have been dating my boyfriend Dennis for three years now. We are a picture-perfect couple, the ones who look like they’ll end up at the altar and living happily ever after.

At first that was my dream and my reality. I lived and breathed for him alone. Some late nights when he had to work overtime, I would wait up for him no matter how late just to hear his voice. It was a blissful relationship at the start. And just when I thought something good seemed endless, things started to happen.

I work at a bank and requested for a transfer to a branch near Dennis’ office, getting the approval a few months later. Ever since the transfer, we started seeing more of each other. We came to work together, ate lunch together, went home together.

Being together every single day, I began to see the real him. I saw his bad habits, the way he leaves his things scattered all over his desk, the way he easily loses his temper. One time he even shouted at me in public because he was not in a good mood. He apologized after the incident, but the deed was already done.

You see, Joe, my dad has a problem with his temper. When I was a kid, I used to cry to my mom whenever my dad shouted at us. I remember asking my mom why she married a man like my daddy. And she just said that theirs was a pre-arranged marriage which was common at the time. And at the young age, I told my mother that, when I grow up, I would neither marry nor fall in love with a man like my father.

Do you believe that saying about girl’s unwittingly choosing men like their fathers? Now, I see my dad in Dennis. The he looks at things in life – his narrow-mindedness, the temper, the difficulty in reasoning with him when he feels he’s right. Even the way he handles money. It’s like I’m looking at a person slowly unravelling before my eyes.

Now I’m torn between loving him as he is and leaving him before I suffer the same fate my mom did with my dad. Ever since I fell in love with him, I felt he was the only man for me. But at the same time I’m so afraid that I will end up the way my mom did, suffering 30 years of keeping silent whenever my dad unleashed his temper. I know no two people are the same, and I know that talking to Dennis about my fears may ease his temper for now, but who can say he’ll suppress his outbursts the rest of our lives? Should I choose to listen to my heart, or should I choose to listen to my mind? My mind says no because of fear, but my heart says I love him and that love will make a difference. I’m so afraid to make the wrong decision and regret it for the rest of my life.

Love,
Becky


Dear Becky,

Becky, I know you’re in a tough situation. You witnessed how your mom suffered in silence every time your dad gets angry, and you wouldn’t want to find yourself in the same situation. But we are talking about the man you love and the man you want to spend your life with. Your parents’ marriage was arranged. If given the choice, both of them might have married someone else. You cannot compare your relationship with Dennis to theirs. You and Dennis were bound by love. Your mom and dad were bound by the obligation to obey their own parents than by love.

Becky, there will never be a perfect boyfriend or husband. Even if you find someone who isn’t like your dad, it will still not be a guarantee that you will not be miserable in marriage. Many have fallen into believing they have found Mr. Right only to realize in the end that they have vowed to live the rest of their lives with an irresponsible, selfish and cold-hearted husband.

Before God calls us in marriage, He would want us to be sure of our decision and make us realize that once we say yes, there is no turning back. Becky, this is your test. You were brought closer to Dennis so that you can see deeper into his personality. Now that God has shown you who Dennis really is, He wants you to look into your heart. If you think you don’t have enough love to accept him for what he is then you know which way to take. But if your love is strong enough to overcome your fear then this relationship is a risk worth taking.

Becky, there is no love that comes with a “pain-free” guarantee. We simply have to accept that getting hurt will always be part of loving someone. It is a given that we cannot change. Something that we just have to deal with when it comes. Talk to Dennis and give him the chance. A person who truly loves you will try his best not to do things that he knows will hurt you. Change is inevitable and the one who loves you sincerely is bound to change for the better and not for the worst.

Becky, when the time comes that you have to make a decision, listen to both your heart and your mind and blame no one for the choice that you make. If you are confused, pray for guidance, for only God knows what’s best for us. Let us always remember that what we will regret are not the things that we did out of love but the things we missed because we were too afraid to get ourselves hurt.

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dreams built on shaky ground

JOE D MANGO’s LoveNotes
Published February 23, 2003


It’s been five months since we said our goodbyes. I tried to live my own life, but it’s empty without him. What should I do, Joe? I really want him back…

Dear Joe,

I am a 21-year-old Mass Communications senior at a Quezon City university. I am graduating soon and have almost everything planned. There’s just one thing, a most important thing, I can’t seem to get hold of.

Alli and I used to have what may be considered a perfect relationship. I adored him and he loved me. Most importantly, Alli and I were growing together.

We had an unwritten contract of sorts that we were getting married after his graduation this March. In preparation, we had been visiting furniture shops, scouting for the most economical, but aesthetically viable, designs of sofas, dinner tables and even tableware.

We were negotiating the theme of our future home. He would build a darkroom just for me so that I could continue with my hobby, photography. I was to stop working so I could take care of the kids, and start taking baking and cooking lessons.

I wanted to have five kids but he only wanted to have two, so we compromised and settled on three. One will be the artist-slash-drummer who would take up fine arts in college, another the missionary and the last will be the pilot. Everything seemed to have been a quilt of dreams neatly and flawlessly sewn on the edges.

But it wasn’t perfect. Alli and I had been through a lot of challenging times too. We had unsettled differences, problems with past relationships and petty fights. But we’d overcome it all.

We even thought we were going to have a baby, although the pregnancy turned out to be a false alarm. It was a living hell I thought we would never get out of. I had to undergo an operation and was sent to stay in the province for over a month. Although we constantly talked on the phone, he did not visit me, not even once. He continued to live his comfortable life, while I was dying of loneliness, misery and shame.

Not once did I hear that he wanted to talk to my dad. He said we had to wait for the right time because, as of now, he did not have anything to be proud about yet. Despite the hurtful and insulting words I received from my family and the constant urgings to leave him, I continued to stay with him.

I gave up my plans of going abroad to pursue a graduate course. Going there means leaving my beloved Alli behind. And I did not want that. I totally ignored internship offers from Baguio because I knew that the distance would be tough for our recuperating relationship.

But then, something happened, something I cannot clearly comprehend until now. One day, he just said he was letting me go. He said he dated some girl from my old school, some young single mom. He was likewise seeing other “friends” on the side.

It was very painful. But more than the agony, it was the melancholia that comes with it that is more excruciating.

At first, I even forced him to stay with me, believing that it was just a phase. In the end, I had to give up because he wasn’t fighting for me. I can’t stand the torment of knowing that he’s seeing someone else, that he cannot commit himself to me the way he did, when he asked me to be his wife.

Joe, it’s been five months since we said our goodbyes. I tried to live my own life, but it’s empty without him. I love him so much that not even the most ardent suitors can erase him from my heart. What should I do, Joe? I really want him back.

Jenny

Dear Jenny,

I remember a story about a young girl who was so happy because someone gave her a red balloon. It was all she ever wanted. She wouldn’t exchange it for anything in this world. But the balloon wasn’t tied well to her wrists and slipped off her hand. She was helplessly crying as she watched it drift away until it was too small to see. Her mom bought another balloon but she still cried for the one that she lost. She didn’t eat and was miserable the whole day. She really believed that soon it would fall back to the ground and she’ll get it again.

Most if us, like the little girl, still hold on to things that aren’t with us anymore. We try to forget them but deep inside, we tell ourselves that they are irreplaceable. That one day, we can have them again. So we end up silently hoping even if we know we cannot get them back.

It is always wonderful to build dreams of forever with someone. These dreams inspire people to strive and become better persons. But not all dreams are built on solid ground. There are some that crumble when shake and subjected to pressure, like the ones that you shared with Alli. Obviously, he was only interested in dreaming.

Jenny, there is nothing wrong in loving a person but when we begin to lose grip of our own lives because of love then we are going to do ourselves more harm than good. Most of the time it is what we do not need that we want. Striking a balance between the two is difficult because we are usually driven by desire and not by necessity. We act on what we feel and not on what we know.

Let us always remember that losing someone doesn’t have to mean losing ourselves. When love leaves us, we just have to let go because, if it really meant for us, it will fall back into our arms again. And it will just be gone forever if it was never really meant to be.

Joe

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after so many quests, she is confused about sex and love

Joe D Mango’s LOVE NOTES

Published April 29, 2001


Dear Joe,

I had this classmate last sem who happens to be the crush of my good friend, Booey. Although I was attracted to Phoenix the first time I laid eyes on him, I kept it from Booey. After all, I get attracted to guys easily. I mean, I don’t really get serious with anyone. Booey is a great friend and seeing how happy and excited she got around Phoenix, I simply ignored my attraction to him.

I initiate sex with any man I fancy. I am used to getting what I want, especially around men. Booey is so unlike me.

Phoenix and I used to text until he asked me to go out. He was very passionate about a lot of things. We were so unlike each other. He was sentimental, serious and pretty rational.

Is it possible that after kissing a person, that’s the only time you realize you are in love with him? I kissed Phoenix. He was shocked by the gesture. Then we ended up making love. I really just can’t call it sex because it was different. It just happened. I left while he was still sleeping. My head was full of thoughts and questions.

When I went to see Phoenix the next day, I learned he was on his way to Colorado for the summer. I called him and he said he was dumb-founded as I was. I always remember what he said: “You only do it with the person you love. That’s the only time sex can be good.” He said he needs time to think about what came over him that night. He was not sure what he feels for me and if he felt anything at all.

We call each other every now and then. And we’ll be seeing each other in school come June. This is the first time I am confusing sex with love. If I could fly to Colorado and be with him, I would.

It would help if you can give me your advice on this. I am 26 and about to get my marriage annulled. My husband cheated on me countless times.

Joelle

Dear Joelle,

It seems like you are definitely turning your back on your failed marriage and finally giving yourself the chance to start over again. I just hope you have given this much thought and it isn’t one that was made in haste.

You thought you had proven your capacity to make any man fall for you. But after making it with Phoenix, you realized love can be more overwhelming than sex. Could it be that this is the first time you were conquered and not the one doing the conquering? This short meeting of the minds with Phoenix has surprisingly caught you defenseless. He probably was not like the others who viewed sex differently.

Joelle, I know how exciting this is, finding someone who completes you as a person, but you should be careful. After one failed marriage, you should not rush into any relationship yet, no matter how promising it is. Take your time and learn to value yourself.

If you think you can conquer every man you sleep with, then think again. You won’t gain or prove anything from this. There is more to a relationship than sex. It is important, but it shouldn’t be the foundation on which we build our commitments.

Phoenix could be the right one for you, but it would take more that two naked bodies to find that out. Explore the endless possibilities of friendship and just let time take its course. Soon enough, you will see a clear picture of your dreams and the man who will make it all happen.

Joe

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a lesson learned

Joe D Mango’s LOVE NOTES

Dear Joe,

I’ve always been a regular listener of your radio program. I’d like to commend you for giving sound advises to people who are in trouble, who are in despair and who are lost. Anyway, for a change, I might as well say that I wrote a letter to you not because I needed an advice, but I just wanted to share a very memorable event that took place in my life.

Call me Tracy, 27 years old and working as a Finance Officer in a multinational trading firm in the country. Six years ago was probably the worst time of my life. My story started when I met this guy, Ross. The first time I saw him during a function was like magic. I knew he did not see me because there was like a thousand people there, but I kept staring at him. Instantly, I had a crush on him. Ross was like the kind of guy that every girl would easily fall for. He’s very good-looking, quite tall, very articulate and most of all, he’s a very good dresser.

I never though I’d see him again. Months passed and there was another function that I attended. Just like magic, he was there again. I really wanted to meet him and I had a strange feeling that I would. When the session paused for a break, he and his friends approached my group. They introduced themselves and so did we. Joe, during that time I felt like I was in a trance or something. My heart was pounding so hard and fast that I didn’t know I was blushing already. After the session ended, we bid goodbye and he gave me the “ I’ll call you” signal. I kept on thinking how can he call me, he didn’t even ask my phone number. Anyway, I nodded and we parted ways.

After a week, he called and since then we became close friends. He called and visited me regularly. At times, we go out on friendly dates together with our group of friends. I could say that we both enjoyed being together. But the problem was, we never talked about what was really going on between the two of us. Were we already lovers or just plain friends? Frankly, I wasn’t the type who’d be asking guys how they felt for me. I’d rather be the traditional Filipina who would never be presumptuous about anything especially about love. This went on for a year. I never knew where we stood or where we’re heading. All I knew was that I felt something for him. And at that time it was no longer a crush but a more of a profound feeling which needed to be reciprocated.

Joe, I let go all my suitors just for him because I wanted to us to be exclusive to each other. But apparently, it didn’t go that way. When I heard that he was going out on dates with different girls, I started to think that maybe it’s high time for me to just let go and entertain other suitors. But I can’t. he was already in my system, the reason why I was able to hang out with him for more that a year. You can call me love blinded, a martyr or just plain old stupid. But what can I do, I just can’t fight the feeling anymore.Months passed and I heard from my friends that he has a girlfriend already. Joe, I was deeply hurt. How can he be so numb of what I felt. I would have accepted it if I learned it straight from him, but of all people, not our friends. But how could I blame him when he never even said he loved me?

I was really confused, Joe. How can someone you love not love you in return? And worst of all, his girlfriend turned out to be the daughter of my father’s close friend.

Time came when I had the guts to face and talk to him about this matter. And his reasons even made me more doubtful. He admitted that he has a girlfriend already whom he loves very much. But he's confused because he has feelings for me, too. He wished he had two hearts so it would be easier for him. He said that even if he was committed already, we could still see and call each other. He wanted us to continue our mutual arrangement.

But I know that it was wrong and I know that how much pain it would cause the other girl if she finds out that her boyfriend was double-timing. I stood up to what was right even though it meant losing the guy I loved. I told him how hurt I was and I told him that I wouldn’t be a loss to him, anyway he’s got a girlfriend now and he has a lot of friends around him. When he heard that, he told me that he was hurt with what I said and still came convincing me that I can never be replaced. He tried winning me back, but it was too late. I was deeply hurt and I can never be blinded any longer. Later, I learned that when we were still going out, once he knew someone was interested to court me, he’d say bad things about me just to discourage the guy. Gone are the days when I believed that everything he said were true. I was a martyr once, Joe, but not forever.

He made a lot of attempts to win me back, even asking help from our friends. I always get to see him in functions which I attend. But it doesn’t move me a bit. And I know that it is what they call closure. The chapter of my life with him is over. Presently, I’m happily married and gifted with a very beautiful baby girl. The last time I heard from him was, his relationship with his girlfriend didn’t last long and he has been jumping from one relationship to another. But I don’t worry about him. For me, that ‘feeling’ is already a thing of the past. A passion that teenagers normally experience and go through. Now, I realize that these things should not be carried on as a burden but a lesson. It made me mature in a lot of ways and made me a better person. We may tend to be tested sometimes, on love and life. These are not meant to make us brittle and burdened, but to make us strong and wise. Now, I believe that whatever tests we experience in life, we can pass through it. We can make it, only if we try.

Thanks for reading my letter and more power to you, your family and to your show.

Sincerely,
Tracy

Dear Tracy,

I’m glad that your experience in love made you a better and a stronger person. These are what the trials are for, anyway. In many failed relationships, separation comes as the inevitable choice but moving on always proves to be as twice as difficult as letting go. Sometimes, the end of a relationship is imposed on us, but our choice to hold on is always beyond the control of circumstance. Letting go is a decision that can never be dictated on us. It is a resolve we make ourselves.

Many, however, remain and hold on to the empty promise of a memory – a past that is gone forever and vows that may never be fulfilled. We choose to live in the shadow of someone we still love, someone who only used to love us. We refuse to turn the pages of our lives so we can relish the beautiful memories we’ve had. Yes, there is closure, but not of the past but of the heart. We will never grow with bitterness and wishful yearning. Life can move on only if we open our hearts and give ourselves a chance to find love again.

Acceptance is the key to a new beginning and time is the healer of old wounds. Even if the storm casts its fearful shadow, there will always be light after our darkest and loneliest moments. There is always hope for those who believe. There is always a chance for those who try. And remember, there will always be a life even after losing love. That life may even be better than before. For all our pain and suffering come with a purpose. They are meant not to discourage us but to make us stronger and better persons.

I’m happy for you, Tracy. You have learned the true meaning of closure and have stood firm on not looking back. If someone out there is crying over a relationship that has gone sour, never lose faith because losing someone we love may not be a loss at all but a blessing because someone even more deserving is yet to come.

Joe

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he constantly hurts her feelings but still she longs for him

Joe D Mango’s LOVE NOTES

Dear Joe,

I’m 25 years old, a professional and currently helping my parents with our business. I met Ariel six years ago and we started to build our dreams together since then. We eventually got intimate and I never regretted what happened between us. It was the most wonderful feeling I’ve experienced in my whole life. I felt complete and important. Our relationship became stronger and we became closer.

But Ariel is a chronic womanizer. For the past six years, he has been flirting with so many girls, around nine, I think. I was hurt the first time it happened. I suddenly became very insecure. I felt that I could no longer satisfy him. Our fights were mostly about my insecurity and his complaint that he has no freedom to do anything. I told him that he couldn’t blame me since he made me feel this way. But, instead of changing, he continued to flirt with other girls.

Early this year, he left for Singapore to work. But after three weeks he came back. He told me that he can’t live there alone, and that he’ll just look for a job here. I really don’t know what went wrong but after two weeks he asked for a cool-off. I agreed believing that he just needs time to be with himself. But after a few days, eh courted Bianca. Then he asked me to see him and we had sex.

Bianca found out what happened and she made him choose. It’s very hard to accept that Ariel dumped me. But in spite of that, we still went out without her knowledge.

Right now, I feel very alone and hurt. I miss him so much. There were times that I would like to go out, but I have no one to turn to. All my friends are busy with their own lives. My family doesn’t know anything about my predicament because I don’t want them to worry. Call me a fool but I’m always happy when I’m with Ariel.

Friends tell me that someone better will come along and that I should go out and enjoy. But with whom?

I’ll be starting a new job next week and I hope it will help me forget. As much as possible I don’t want to hear anything about him again because I know I will just be affected. But recently, one of his officemates told me he’s having troubles again. I really wanted to help him. I’m very confused. If God will grant me one wish, I wish to be with him again.

I need answers to all the questions in my mind.

RHAIN

Dear Rhain,

Sometimes it is difficult to fathom why many of us would still stubbornly hold on to someone who consistently and intentionally hurts our feelings. They keep doing the things that they know would knock us and we would react, sometimes violently, but in the end, still find no courage to break away from them.

Rhain, you always found yourself going to bed with Ariel even if you knew he was committed to Bianca because you were selfishly trying to fulfil your fantasy of being with him. Ariel, in turn, takes advantage of the opportunity to use you. This is not in any way, as I see it, a worthy relationship. You are burying yourself deeply in an affair that would not even last.

We should always remember that relationships do not rest solely on the ability of our partners to sexually satisfy us or make us feel important. These elements may be present even without genuine love and respect, which happen to be more important that the first two.

What we feel may not necessarily be a result of a fact but just an illusion we have fabricated in our minds. You felt complete and important when you were with Ariel. But you were just an object of his desire. I don’t think he really had any regard for what you feel.

Rhain, you can want Ariel all your life and grow old waiting for him or you can stop this illusion and face reality. There can only be today but no tomorrow with a man like him. You can make it on your own. Give yourself a little respect and move on without Ariel. It is you, and not him, who should be in control of your life. Be strong and let true love and not just fleeting moments of pleasure be your guide in your search for a lasting relationship.

Joe

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bittersweet memories

Joe D Mango’s LOVE NOTES

Published June 5, 2005

Dear Joe,

I have always wanted to share with you a brief part of my painful past. My close friends call me Nicky, and here’s my story.

I met Don when I was in my elementary years. He was a cousin of my cousin, and we’re related only by affinity. He was always nice to me, teasing me like an older brother and playmate. We’d find ourselves laughing over almost anything. Since we share common cousins, I’d usually find myself joining their family gatherings in Laguna, his hometown. As time passed by, we eventually found ourselves getting closer.

When his grandmother passed away, I offered my condolences. But what started out as mere conversation turned into courtship, which eventually led to us being in a relationship.

At first, things started out okay. I’d go to his place after school, from Taft Ave. to Laguna, and spend as much time with him as possible. I have even become close to his family, most especially his mom, who naturally assumed that we’d end up spending the rest of our lives together. But then he started to change, calling me less often and finding excuses not to see me.

It hurts so much, Joe, knowing how much I love him and how much I sacrificed for him. I tried everything to salvage our relationship, kept asking myself where I went wrong and attended all their family functions when I was invited, all to no avail.

After a few weeks, I saw him again at his cousin’s birthday. We talked and it seemed we were going to be okay again. He was as sweet as ever, but before the night ended, things got more confusing because he started spending more time with his female friends than with me. When I couldn’t take it any more, I asked for his sister’s help, setting up a meeting at his place. We talked. That’s when he finally blurted out that because of our differences in life, my family’s outlook and my upbringing, our relationship could never work. I tried begging him to reconsider but he apologized profusely and tried to convince me that I deserve someone better than him. I felt as if I’d go crazy that night, Joe. I didn’t even notice that it was dangerous for me to go home by myself at midnight. I thought I’d never look at love the same way again.

A few years passed since then. One day, I heard from our common cousin that he was leaving for the U.S. She urged me to see him one last time, to put an end to my misery and close that chapter of my life. And I did. We talked and even made love, however, briefly. We wished each other the best of luck and then we parted ways. Up to now, I haven’t heard of him. I don’t think I ever will. Wherever he is right now, I wish him well. All I have left are memories of him. I hope these bittersweet memories show how far a person is willing to go for love.

Nicky


Dear Nicky,

There are times when no matter how much we show our love and give so much or ourselves to someone, we still cannot find enough reason why he or she doesn’t seem to care about us. Don must have loved you at the beginning, but when he began to weigh your differences he realized that you were probably not the kind of person he’d be compatible with, and one he’d want to spend the rest of his life with.

When we start assessing the value of someone, quantifying and qualifying the kind of person he or she is, we begin to lose grasp of the real essence of love. Real love doesn’t look at reasons to love. When we truly love a person, we just love that person regardless of what or she can or cannot give us back. When we start to have reasons for loving someone, then we’re bound to fall out of love when we lose these reasons. It has been said that the greatest measure of love is its ability to continue loving even when we cannot find a reason to love anymore. That is the real essence of love. When we can think of one reason not to love a person, then we can’t be capable of truly loving because love doesn’t keep a scale of what it can gain from a relationship. Real love is unselfish.

Nicky, Don put more weight on the kind of person he thinks you are and the kind of family he thinks you have. He doesn’t love you. He can only love you if you become the person he wants you to be. And you cannot be that person. You shouldn’t even be that person. You are who you are and you should be loved not for what someone wants you to be but for who you truly are.

Wish him well and move on with your life. Let your bittersweet memories remind you of how much you have loved, but let it also remind you how much more beautiful it would be if that love is shared with someone who will accept you for who you are, and love you not for what you can become but what he becomes because of you.

Joe

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how does she walk out of marriage with her kids?

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES

Published August 26



Dear Joe,

Just call me Adrianne, a proud mother but an unhappy wife. I’ve found myself gradually falling out of love with my husband.

I don’t have a new man in my life nor am I planning to have one. But I want to leave my husband and lead my own life. I am tired of arguments and petty quarrels.

I know I can live without him but not without my kids.

Friends say I am lucky to have him for a husband. I can’t deny the fact that he has a lot of good qualities – he’s responsible, a handy man, he get’s along with people easily, he’s great with the kids. But he is ill-tempered. I can’t deny the fact that I am also at fault, for I am a stubborn Taurean. I’ve tried to change, but he hasn’t. So we always clash.

I want to end this marriage, but how? How do I walk out of our relationship with my kids? How can I talk him into it?


ADRIANNE


Getting attracted to someone and getting a chance to know him more is very exciting. Getting into a relationship with that person and sharing mutual feelings of affection is even more rewarding. When we feel that we love someone so much, we prepare ourselves in making that relationship complete by walking down the aisle with that person in marriage. This is where we make ourselves believe that we will just live happily ever after. But the truth of the matter is, spending the rest of your life living with your spouse is a totally different story. This is the part of the marriage where the vows we’ve made to love each other for richer or for poorer, in sickness and health till death do us part are put to their final test.

Falling in love is easy, getting married isn’t that hard either. But keeping that love alive and making it grow every day are only easier said than done. Many marriages lose their romance after only a few years. What used to be such an ideal relationship suddenly becomes stressed out by factors beyond our control. In-laws, children, emotional and physical problems, career, competition, pride and finances are just some of the things that we have to keep in balance in our marriage. And staying up on our feet to do these takes a lot of patience, perseverance and unselfish effort.

There are times when couples would fight over the pettiest of things. During these exchanges of verbal punches, our suppressed feelings of anger and feelings of being misunderstood, taken for granted and being blamed for everything can make us utterly bitter and in one short instance, lose our love for our spouse. This is the point where we want to give up and leave. The point where we can adamantly say, “I’ve had enough. I can’t take this anymore, I’m leaving.”

There will be a trade-ff when you decide to move on. You know that you just cannot walk out with your kids and neither can you leave them alone. And even if you find a way to move out, I think your husband wouldn’t jut let you go without making you feel guilty. He would put all the blame on you again and tell your children that your family was shattered because their mom left them.

You would lose both ways, if you stay, you’d be miserable. But, if you go, I think you could eventually become miserable as well. This is the best time to make things that make you feel bad work to your advantage.

First, you have to realize that you are lucky because you are aware that there is a problem in your marriage. To your husband, those fights could just be his natural way of asserting his dominance over you. He probably isn’t aware that you are just about to explode and call it quits. Secondly, this should make you realize that you have practically spent all your married years together, but, have you really spend time communicating with each other, openly sharing your thoughts and feelings without getting into a heated discussion? Thirdly, God has blessed you with beautiful children that have made you more than a proud mother. If you leave, you would be a proud wife but you would end up a regretful mother. Ask yourself, is this what you really want? Don’t you want to take your marriage on a neutral plane, seek good counsel and open the possibility of honest reconciliation?

I have been in worst fights in my marriage. My wife and I acknowledge the fact every couple goes into battle once in a while. But after an exchange of bitterness, disappointments and hatred, we stop in silence and tears and look around. For somewhere in the battlefield, God will always open a window for grief to breathe out and a fresh air of hope to breeze in. I honestly believe that no marriage is so miserable that it cannot find happiness, there is no husband so unfaithful that he cannot change. There is no wife so nagging that she cannot tone down. There is no relationship so sick that it cannot recover and get well.

I hope that you will find a space in your heart to give your family another chance. You would have to give up a lot but the rewards of your sacrifices would give you joy beyond compare.

There are many of us who could be in the same battlefield. Many of us who could feel what Adrianne feels. There are many of us who want to give up. But, when we are just about to raise our hands let us surrender not to the people around us but to God who is in control. He is the only one who can breathe life to a dying relationship. He is the only one who can bring peace to a stormy marriage. He is the only one who gives us a new beginning, a new hope and a new life.

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his fear of rejection prevents him from expressing his love for a friend

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES
Published September 23, 2001

Dear Joe,

I am Matthew, 22 years old, single and a graduate of a one-year computer course. I live a very simple life. I usually stay at home and take care of my 3-year-old brother because until now I am not lucky enough to have a job.

On July 28, 1993 my life took a big turn when my best friend Jake invited me to join their fellowship meeting held every Wednesday at a nearby congregation. I am a Catholic, who goes to Mass every Sunday with my family. I make novenas, especially when I have special intentions. The fellowship meeting helped me view things in an optimistic way. I became a regular member so every Wednesday I pray and worship with my “brothers and sister.” God has not answered some of my prayers but I know He will in time.

On August 18, 1993, I met Kate. She’s 21 years old and a new member of our fellowship. She is very attractive, intelligent and has a great sense of humor. We became friends. We always talk about love, past affairs, how we got hurt and what we learned from our heartaches. We were so comfortable with each other and soon, I felt my heart skip a beat every time we’re together.

My friend Jake knows I love her but he also knows that I am afraid of being turned down because I don’t have any job and I cannot offer her anything but my love. She just might not be interested in someone like me. All my friends tell me to give it a try but I don’t have the courage to tell her what I really feel.

Kate has a lot of suitors but she has not answered any of them yet. I’m afraid that one day she might fall in love and I will be left waiting and crying. I don’t want to see that day because I cannot afford to lose her. I’m helplessly in love but I always find myself speechless whenever I get the chance to tell her those three little words that I have kept in my heart for so long. What should I do?

MATTHEW

I’m glad that you wrote because most men would rather keep their feelings inside than let them out in the open and be vulnerable. I know how you feel. I have felt that way many times before and I still get tongue-tied and afraid at times. This is the very same fear that will keep us away from the things that we treasure and the people we love. Most women prefer men who are honest and sincere. They don’t rely on their feelings that can often be misleading. They do listen to our actions but they don’t want to get into guesswork. They love to hear our thoughts and see them transform into small gestures that prove our claim. If you keep your feelings for Kate to yourself then you will never have the chance to know how she really feels for you. There are a hundred different ways to show you care. You can start by picking out wild flowers that you’ll see on your way to the church and carefully arranging them where it will catch Kate’s attention. Slip a note that says how you feel about her. And don’t ever make the mistake of signing it with someone else’s name or initials. Write your name and make sure she knows it came from you. Be creative and adventurous. Saying “I love you” need not be expensive or extravagant. Words that come straight from the heart are far more valuable than any gift money could by. It’s now or never. It’s better to get hurt because we have true to our feelings than to be hurt because we never had the courage to express them.

hoping for a second chance

Joe D Mango’s LOVE NOTES

Dear Joe,

I wrote the following letter without ever knowing that I'm gonna send it to u. My apology if it sounds like I'm talking to no one in particular. Its only after I'm done writing it that I thought of sending it to you. I don't need it aired over the radio, it's up to you. But I would appreciate it very much if you'll send your advice on my email. I don't get to listen that much on your show 'cause of my hectic schedule that sometimes I forget that it's love notes time na. Anyway...here goes my story....

Why does it that when you’re broken-hearted, all the songs that you hear seem to remind you of your hurt and pains? It’s as if salt are being poured onto your wounds? Oouch!!!

I just had my heart broken. I broke his heart first but then I realized that I miss him. But it’s too late now. We see each other from time to time. He’s with his friends and I’m with mine. Sometimes, we’ll eat together as group but later we’ll go on our separate gimiks. Unlike before where we’ll go out as group until we’ll decide to call it a day.

When we’re together with our friends, it’s so hard to act like nothing had happened. It’s so hard to talk freely for fear of bringing something up that might ruin the entire evening. It’s so hard to turn to him and talk to him about anything for fear that he might still be bitter about the incident and he might make bara to everything I might say.

I also noticed that he never starts a conversation with me. I will always be the one to start it. He’ll answer and that’s it. He’s not sulking ‘cause he’ll talk to my friends and even start a conversation with them. But not with me. Maybe he’s still mad at me for what I did. I don’t need anyone to tell me that. Whenever he’ll answer my question, he won’t even look at me. Luckily, it never causes any tension in the group. And I’m also grateful to our friends ‘cause if ever they noticed anything, they never make any comments and they always act as if everything is normal. At least I won’t have to worry that I’m always ruining the evening for all of us.

We always have dinner in the same place and the guys will always start to look there if they want to see us. Sometimes, I want to suggest to my friends that we have a change of venue. So that there will never be a chance of us seeing each other. But there are times when I’m looking forward for the evening to come ‘cause I know that I will get to see him. Even if it pains me.

What causes the pain? Our closeness is not there anymore. He’ll sit beside me ‘cause his friends will make sure that the available place will be the one beside me and I feel like he’s there because he doesn’t have any choice. Some of you might say that if he never wants to see me again, he shouldn’t have come with his friends. But his friends are very close and it’s been a routine to them to go out and I know that he won’t let anything or anyone change that. Not even me.

What do I want to happen? I want another chance. A chance to show him that I love him and I’m sorry that I only realized it at the end. He knows this.

And his answer was NO.

As far as I know, he’s not courting anyone right now. Thank God for small mercies! I don’t know what my reactions will be if ever there will be a new girl in the picture. So, I kept on hoping...hoping that the pain I caused will heal and he’ll let us be happy together. Do you think I should give up and let him go? Do you think I’m being selfish?

I want to move on. Who doesn’t want to? But I want to move on with him. Doesn’t make sense, huh? I guess, Love never does make sense.

Thank you for lending an ear Joe, and more power to your program...

Sincerely yours,

Toni

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Dear Toni,

I don’t think you are being selfish Toni, maybe you are just being too stubborn to let go of your feelings and too focused on someone who probably wouldn’t want to have anything to do with you anymore. Whatever it was that broke his heart must have broken it so badly that your man still hasn’t recovered from the pain and the agony it caused him.

Most men are driven by ego. If their pride gets in the way then there is little anyone can do to get through to them. Your boyfriend has shut his doors closed on you. You should have realized that from the many times that you spent together like strangers. Do not impose too much on him. He still is probably healing and would just want to keep himself detached from the woman who broke his heart. Everyone needs time to be alone and to compose himself. Just let him find his space and meet him only when he’s ready to face you.

Toni, there should always be a reason to fight for someone we love. A reason to hope for something that we believe in and a reason to be brave and face our fears. Do not be afraid to face the day when you will see him in someone else’s arms. It sometimes hurt when we expect too much. So, just be happy and thankful that you still get to see each other at least once in every friendly get together dinner.

I have always believed that there is a reason and a season for everything. You realized how much someone meant to you only after you have hurt him. Now, it is you who you are made to feel that pain in a different way. Experience is our greatest teacher . Do not let one man keep you from moving on. Your tomorrow is something that you owe yourself, not him. Learn from your mistakes and live your life avoiding them so that you may find what you have lost and never lose it again.

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despite the pain he caused her, she still hopes to win him back

Joe D Mango’s LOVE NOTES

Published March 18, 2001

Dear Joe,

I’ve been through a lot of broken relationships, broken promises and a lot of pain, too. One relationship in particular was when I had a boyfriend who’s married with two kids. It was not easy. I soon realized that we were just infatuated with each other, driven by lust and passion.

Marc came along when I was grieving over my past relationship. We met when I was in Puerto Galera with my sister. He was her boss. We became instant friends and I told him everything about me, including my secret “affair” with a married man. He could see right through me. I trusted him so much that I became blind, not seeing who he really was. I became deaf, not hearing what everyone else was saying about him.

We started going out without my sister’s knowledge. I fell in love so hard and expected things would turn out well. After a month, we had sex. Two days later, he texted me saying he was bothered and confused.

I assured him I wasn’t pregnant. I was hoping for a commitment he couldn’t give because he’s still waiting for Pam, his ex-girlfriend. He said it would be unfair if he could not love me in return. I was really hurt and accused him of just using me. He said that he had no intention of taking advantage of me. He wanted us to act as if nothing happened but I couldn’t. I didn’t want him to think that I was pressuring him to do something he didn’t want to so I just stopped.

I thought I would be able to move on and forget this whole damn thing. But I was wrong. He was everything to me but he had hurt me so much that I’ve become a man-hater. I suddenly realized that all men are just the same.

He was the third man in my life, who, after getting what he wanted, abandoned me. Was it my fault that I trusted so much and gave everything to make my man happy? I know that there’s nothing wrong with me, physically and emotionally. But why do these men seek nothing but pleasure from me? I’m just so tired of falling in and out of love. I still want Marc. But what am I going to do? Please help me win him back. I love him so much and it hurts because I still couldn’t let go. I don’t want to be a man-hater all my life.

Thank you so much and may God bless you, your show and your new radio station.

April

Dear April,

There is a big difference between loving someone and wanting someone. You still want Marc but I don’t think that desire is driven by genuine love. Marc, just like the other two men in your life just wanted to get a piece of the action. They would never even come close to committing themselves to any form of relationship with you. Not that you are unworthy but it was clear that they were just after the physical satisfaction that they could get form you. They must have really wanted you but then again, that desire cannot be used to define the true meaning of love.

April, we all know how some men can cunningly deceive women into giving what they want and then excuse themselves form any responsibility afterward. Stumbling on the same stone three times, however, should not be enough reason for you to hate them in general. Not all men are like Marc. There are still many who are brave enough to face the consequences of their actions. Men with respect. Men who can love without price.

April, in true relationships, commitment comes before physical intimacy. Men who just want to have sex and refuse responsibility are just self-centered individuals who think only of their own satisfaction. These people will never have any place n lasting relationships where the real foundation of love is built on unselfish commitment, trust and respect.

Joe

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he feels guilty for leaving an ex-girlfriend without a formal break-up

Joe D Mango’s LOVE NOTES
Published November 25, 2001

Dear Joe,

Just call me Stephen. I am 27 years old and an engineer for a multinational firm. I have a happy marriage.

My problem is Anne, whom I met before I got married. We worked in the same office. She was my first “serious” girlfriend. Although I’ve had girlfriends before, Anne was the one that I had planned to marry. I wanted her to meet my parent but she was anxious about it. So I secretly arranged for my parents to meet us and join us for dinner. This offended her.

During our arguments, Anne would always threaten to break up with me. One time, we actually did. Then, I begged her to come back to me promising that I’d change. I tried to control my jealousy but Anne did the opposite.

She became jealous of May, who was very close to me and to everyone else, except Anne. She would tell me that Anne was snobbish. This remark outraged Anne. She would always mention May in our arguments so when I couldn’t take it anymore, I decided to call it quits.

Then I had a relationship with Jane, which didn’t last long. I went back to Anne. But things didn’t go well. I got tired of our relationship that I just left her without a formal break-up.

I was so depressed that I became close to May, who eventually became my wife. I resigned from my job and married her.

Recently, I heard from one of my peers that Anne is still single. Saddened by the news of my marriage, she doesn’t want to entertain suitors anymore. I felt guilty that I tried to call her to say sorry, but she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I didn’t bother her again. But a part of me still feels guilty because I didn’t get the chance to say sorry. How can I apologize if she doesn’t want to talk to me? Is it okay to leave it that way?

Stephen

Dear Stephen,

When we decide to marry someone, we should close the old chapters of our lives. Unfortunately, there has been no formal break-up between you and Anne. You just drifted apart without being certain about the status of your relationship. She was devastated when she found out that you married May because she was hoping that you still might come back.

If it would make you feel better by saying sorry, then do so. If she doesn’t want to give you a chance to be heard then send her a written apology. This gesture could bring the finality your failed relationship needed. This could help her take a step forward and move on. This could also relieve you of your guilt that has been constantly bothering you.

I believe in destiny. I believe that there is one person with whom we can share our life forever. There is a reason relationships fail. There is a reason jealousy poisons our feelings. There is a reason for everything that happens in our lives. Sometimes these reasons are difficult to understand. But, there are times when we don’t have to, we just have to accept them and live the life that was destined for us. You have found your life. Live it the way you should. Love your wife and find joy and happiness in God’s greatest gift – your marriage.

Joe

he's inlove with his bestfriend, but she can't reciprocate

Joe D’ Mango’s LOVENOTES

Published July 26, 2000




Dear Joe,

I met ivy in July 1999. There was neither magic nor sparkle when I first met her. She was cute, but nothing more. In short, I was not attracted to her then.

As months went by we became really good friends. In my 23 years, I had never had a girlfriend. I had courted numerous girls, but none of them saw me in a romantic way. I was just a friend to them. Ivy saw the sensitive and caring side in me that other girls hadn’t bother to find out.

She shared secrets with me that she hadn’t shared even to her best friend in college. Knowing somebody needed me made me feel good about myself. Joe, no one had ever mad me feel that way but she.

But we had our rough moments as well. We would fight over petty things and we would end up not saying a word to each other for days, even weeks. But we would always find a way to make up and say sorry to each other. Each petty quarrel made our friendship stronger and sweeter. We considered each other as “best friends.”

Joe, it didn’t take long for me to fall deeply in love with her. I would be extra caring to her. I would invite her out to either lunch or breakfast. I suddenly realized I wanted to spend each waking moment with her. She was flattered with the kind of attention I gave her, but just like the other girls in the past, she saw as a friend, nothing more.

But I went on with the courtship hoping that if I showed her how much I really loved her, she’d reconsider. I would practically do anything for her. Everything she asked me, I’d gladly do for her. Other people even thought that she was already taking advantage of me because there was really nothing for me to expect from her. I didn’t care what other people said; what was important to me was that both of us were happy as friends.

Then she met Nel, an honor graduate of UP Diliman, whom she grew fond of. They would constantly date and share countless hours talking over the phone. It hurt me whenever she would tell me about him, how she was starting to like him very much and how she was slowly falling in love with him.

But, what could I do? I was just a friend. I listened to her every story while my heart was torn into pieces. I did my best to understand our situation, but I still felt jealous. So jealous that I was having a hard time not showing it. Soon, it took its toll on our friendship. Our quarrels became more numerous and more intense with each pang of jealousy I would feel. But she never gave up on me, as she would always understand and accept me back as her best friend.

As Nel and Ivy’s relationship developed, Ivy would ask favors from me which would eventually benefit Nel. It bothered me a lot, but because I loved her so much I gave up my pride. Even though they were starting to became really cozy, she would assure me they weren’t going steady yet.

Last March, she headed up to Baguio with him and a couple of friends. I told her to enjoy her trip and made sure that Nel take care of her as I would. When they were on their way I would call her up once in a while just to ask how she was and tell her to hurry back because I was already missing her so much.

They left on a Friday afternoon. The following day I received a phone call from her telling me that I should give Nel a call, apologize to him, and assure him that I wasn’t checking up on her. She told me that he was jealous of me and I hurt his feelings. I didn’t see the logic of me having to say sorry for some guy that I didn’t even know. I stood my ground and told her no.

She told me “please,” but I just could not give in to her. Our conversation became intense and she switched off her phone. I was furious; it was a good thing my friends and I had made plans to head up to Tagaytay, I guess that would help me unwind and relax a bit. It gave me time to think about all the things that had been happening between her and me. I decided to end our friendship the minute I get back to Manila.

When she gave me a call asking how I was I told her not to speak to me again, and I slammed the phone down on her. As expected, she was really mad. I pulled my phone off the hook, knowing she would call back to curse me and slam the phone down on me as well.

She opted to e-mail me and express all her anger. I even printed it out. Even if we were beginning to hate each other, I was still happy she took the time to send me a letter, even if it was just a hate mail.

After a week, I realized I was wrong. I wanted her back, I wanted to tell her how sorry I was and admit that everything was my fault. But I guess she was already tired of us fighting over and over again. She said there was nothing more for us to talk about, and she wanted me to leave her alone.

Joe, I lost Ivy, the one person I cherished the most. She was mu only girl best friend, she was the only person who knew me so well. How could I have done such a thing?

We still aren’t on speaking terms. We both have cooled down but nothing has changed, I am missing her so much. I have been having sleepless nights thinking of Ivy. I would cry and blame myself for everything that has happened. I hate myself, Joe. I feel so empty and lonely now, even though I still have my other friends. I still cannot compare her with them. She has been a very big part of my life. There was a time when I could not imagine my life without her. Now, she’s gone.

Joe, please help me find my way back.


ICE


We can never force love on anyone. No matter how much we like a person, we simply cannot snap our fingers and make that person like us, too. We all have to realize that even if the greatest friendship has all the makings of a romantic relationship, there is still a world of difference between friendship and love.

We all experience a sort of romantic attachment to a person at one time or another in our lives. Sometimes we believe we can make something more from a genuine and close friendship. But the other person may not share our sentiment. Friendships can be strong foundations for lifetime relationships, but many turn sour simply because some people fail to see the sign that says, “This is where it stops!” They take advantage of their closeness and even invade the privacy of the other person.

Ivy wanted you to leave her alone because you were beginning to act like her boyfriend even if you’re not. She was tired of arguing with you over and over again.

Ice, you might have all the valid reasons to be jealous because you loved her. But you could not justify your behavior because Ivy saw you only as a very good friend and nothing more. I have seen people who have wasted years blindly hoping for a relationship that they knew would not come. Many of them have been given signs long before that there is nothing more to expect. I guess they are just too obsessed with the idea of living a life with their dream partners even if they know that it is only a remote possibility.

Ice, as long as you will compare her with the other women that you meet every day, then you will always feel that emptiness inside, for you will never find anyone like her again. But even if that’s the case, if you believe in yourself and in your capacity to give the kind of love and attention that you have given Ivy, then you will find someone who’s not like her but someone better. Someone who will appreciate you as a person, thank you for your efforts, and love you the way you want to be loved.

feeling blue

There are times in our lives when we are swept over by raging conditions. Times when we are overwhelmed by sadness and overcome by misery. Times when we feel that we are loved only for worth others could get from us and not for who we really re. It is natural to feel this way. Sometimes, we all need to be alone, to feel blue, and to feel lonely… to listen to a song and cry.

Then we ask ourselves, ‘why does this song have to end? Why do we have to cry when love is taken away from us? Why does it have to hurt when we let go of someone we love?’

In a relationship we treasure, the hardest thing to do is saying goodbye and setting someone free in every last entrance, a part of us dies. Every teardrop that fall washes away our hopes. Then, we are left with nothing but pain and bitter memories because we have lost love but never knew how and will probably never know why.

We try to get away but every move we make somehow has its way of reminding us of the past all over again. Every turn of our head and every blink of an eye remind us of love lost in eternity. It makes us wonder how one person can make us feel so empty, so alone, so desolate. Every song, no matter how beautiful it is will have to end in its last note. Like every day has its night, all that has started will have to end in its own time. It is an inevitably that we cannot restrain, something that we cannot control, and just a fact that we have to accept and live up with.

Let us remember that our life doesn’t have to end where our heartaches begin. Somewhere, someone will come along and sing us his song of love. Someday, someone will fill our lives with joy and happiness. Somehow, we’ll find love again. It will wipe away our tears and bring us the promise of a new life, a new hope and a beautiful beginning. – joe d mango

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anna d' banana

i'm a huge fan of joe d' mango. and this blog is for my personal collection of joe d' mango's love notes which i cut out from the newpapers way way back. some are from my online friend, though.

i kept these for ages. and read it loads of times. i never get tired of it. fell in and out of love, relating real life situations sometimes. it's just nice to share, that despite our love's bittersweet memories and experiences, we learn from them... and we still choose to love. over and over again.

happy reading!


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